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Sanctuary Earth

THE BIONIC WOMAN 3x16

WHATEVER.

I STILL WANT HER LIFE

This week Jaime hosts aliens and a cooking show.

 

 

January 15, 2012

(Edited Nov. 1, 2015 to include wardrobe + additional notes and images)

 

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Blue

 

Last week it was the Martians. This week, it was aliens from the planet "Zorla." Honestly, I don't know why they don't just change The Bionic Woman opening credits to say "Space, Jaime's Final Frontier Because We’re Out Of Earthly Ideas."  Personally, I could never grow tired of Jaime saving our world. The writers can recycle this plot as many times as they like. But now she has to help save the GALAXY, too? Jaime better get a raise for this.

 

There were a few bright "sun spots" (ha ha) in this episode for someone like me who just enjoys watching Jaime, but for the most part, it was not one I particularly care to go back and watch again, so I will have to once again cue Jaime's flashback migraine face and try to go from the painful plot memories.

 

It starts off with Rudy and Not!Steve 3.4 (blast, Chris Williams is back) monitoring solar flare-ups on our sun, all concerned about how the magnetic interference might affect a special satellite of theirs that is orbiting the earth. They hold special meetings with Oscar, who I am sure regrettably has lots of free time this week to oversee this masterpiece.

 

No School Again Today: The Bionic Woman was 6 minutes late tonight for her show. She was casually hanging out at home in jeans and an oversized blue striped poncho-style sweater when her phone rings. (Edited to add this same sweater also appeared in 1st seasons Mirror Image.)

 

It's Chris, informing her that he and Rudy have to fly out from DC to look for their satellite that is conveniently dropping out of the sky into her own Southern California back yard. He's cordially inviting her to join in the exciting search. They flirt over the phone and stuff. Hurled at the TV in protest: O, I give up. I'm just flipping him the bird these days. And I'm also wondering if he knows Jaime secretly ditched him for Not!Steve 3.5 last week. (Tee hee.)

 

Bionic Life Guard On Duty: Jaime meets up with them in her old blue Datsun 280Z again. (I guess her new Mercedes is still in the shop?)  While they watch their satellite approaching with a little parachute attached, I'm wondering why Jaime isn't having flashbacks to her own parachute accident.

 

Anyway, she bionically hears a heartbeat on board and chases it down on foot, and when the satellite lands in a lake, she notices a girl swimming up to the surface. Jaime makes a really cool bionic leaping dive into the lake and saves the girl from drowning.

 

OMG hey look everybody, it's cute little Helen Hunt!

 

Help Me Obi-Wan: This girl, who is dressed in a sparkly polyester pantsuit with her hair done up in a semi-Princess Leia bun, doesn't talk in the beginning. When Jaime admires her huge (Titanic: My Heart Will Go On) gem necklace, the girl finally speaks up and says it didn't come from any mall on Earth.

 

At first Jaime is skeptical about the girl's claims that she's the alien "Princess Aura" and has "condensation" skills that enabled her to fit inside the small satellite, but Jaime invites her back to her Coach House anyway to escape the OSI search team and get out of their wet clothes.

 

Krypton Kontinued: Back in Jaime's apartment, she has changed into her red Snuggie™ again from Escape to Love. And look, she has a Junior matching green Snuggie for the princess to wear, too!  (Actually, Jaime wore this same green robe at the police academy dorm in last season's Jaime's Shield.)

 

While they warm themselves by the fire, we hear all about the girl’s Star Wars saga going on back home, and why, just like Superman, the Princess had to be launched out of there into space by her parents. However, she is being tracked by some twin bad guys from some other enemy planet, who happened to land just as their back-story was being relayed.

 

Back After These Messages: So the “clones” in this were played by Jim and Jon Hager of Hee Haw fame, although they had non-speaking roles and pretty much just walked around with serious zombie faces and zapped things with their Star Trek phasers. Whiiiinne !

 

I would often bump into these gentlemen at an annual charity event in Nashville that we mutually supported, and I can say first-hand they were two of the nicest guys you could ever meet. Jim and Jon have both since passed away now, and talk about missed opportunities… I NEVER KNEW THEY WERE ON THE BIONIC WOMAN!!!

 

Quite obviously, had I known this at the time, I would have cornered them with a million questions, and would be regaling their wonderful and exclusive behind the scenes stories in this space right now. But alas, all I can claim from this fortunate acquaintance (woah, I seem to channeling Jane Austen all of a sudden) is that I have quite by accident managed to connect myself to The Bionic Woman in less than six degrees. Yes, you may touch me.

 

Back At The Snuggie Fireside Chats: Oh dear. We get to see the princess turn herself into Thumbelina as she demonstrates to Jaime how she was able to fit inside the small satellite. Okay now they have really lost me as viewer who requires a little more gravity in reality.

 

But as I witness this incredible shrinking girl revelation, I have suddenly realized something eerily more familiar. This blonde haired, young princess (incidentally, destined to star in her own TV show and win Emmys one day) dressed in her cute matching Snuggie, ready to sacrifice her life for her country, who is all charm and compassion and politeness… keeps reminding me of someone…

 

OMG, she's Jaime's “Mini-Me!!”

 

Please Join Me In The Piano Bar, And Don’t Forget To Tip: After Jaime changes into a pretty green blouse and loans her blue striped t-shirt from Kill Oscar Pt. 1 to Princess Mini-Me, then in the most shocking plot twist this season, Jaime sits down at the upright piano that's been gathering dust in the background of her apartment all these years—to sing!

 

Suddenly I was watching Bionic Glee. It was actually a very pretty little song, and darned if it didn't look like Ms. Wagner was genuinely playing the piano herself live in this scene, too. (If she wasn't, give her another Emmy for play acting this so perfectly.)  Anyway, this was one part I did go back to re-watch and transcribe, because I am now convinced it was a cleverly disguised secret “Feelings” type love message to her Bionic BF on ABC that NBC never picked up on as a contract violation:

 

We fell in love so long ago

But I was young and I had much to learn

One thing I've learned that is even,

Even surprise to me

Oh de-ee-eee-ear

I learned that I could really love him

Again

So Much Again

 

Heavy, heavy sigh. In addition to the piano lesson and how to fool the networks with secret musical crossover communications, Jaime decides to teach her Mini-Me how to do other stuff like her, beginning with how to scratch Max's head, and then it's cooking lesson time! Woo-hoo!

 

Today's episode is how to make a salad, where one starts with gathering all the "plant stuff" in the refrigerator. As a dreadfully lame cook, I really appreciated the very basic way Jaime is explaining this. God I wish she had her own cooking show on the Food Network. (And how much do I love that Jaime is snacking on cheese whilst conducting this demonstration, too.)

 

Lettuce Entertain You: But unfortunately the salad lesson is cut short when one of the bad guys arrives in "beam me down" fashion to stun-zap Max and the Princess Mini-Me and render them unconscious.

 

So Jaime has to kick into the Bionic Betty Crocker™ cooking show action mode, and hurls a head of lettuce at the alien and skillfully knocks out his phaser. (Angry Bird Score 50 points.)  No really, she actually did this.  Photographic proof --->

 

But then the other twin alien shows up and zaps Jaime, and she and the princess wind up in a makeshift red force field in the middle of Jaime's living room. (Does this now officially make it a 2-bedroom apartment?) Jaime tries to punch the force field but it's stronger than her bionics.

 

Armoire Anyone? When Chris (whatever) shows up to find out why Jaime isn't answering her phone, he gets zapped by the aliens in the driveway. (Yes my heart is so broken. He does wake up later in okay condition, but I am purposely ignoring that story conclusion.)

 

Jaime uses his arrival distraction to command Max to bite the little phaser generating the force field, enabling them to break free. However, instead of bionic-ing out of there, she and her Mini-Me chose to hide in her wardrobe cabinet, which—despite Jaime’s vast collection of clothing this season—is vastly empty at the moment.

 

They play-battle Jaime’s 70s Pottery Barn furniture back and forth for a few minutes, then Max joins the fight, and about the time the bionic Earthlings declare victory, the alien twins are suddenly beamed up by their spacecraft.

 

And then Princess Mini-Me's Titanic necklace starts glowing, which means "ET Phone Home,"  their local Star Wars is over.

 

Oh Rubbish: Before Jaime barely has a chance to say goodbye, her Princess Mini-Me begins to evaporate into a light that floats up into the sky—in the same way Glenda the Good Witch exited Munchkin land nearly 40 years earlier in totally non-progressive Hollywood special effects.

 

Princess Mini-Me: "I'll never forget you Jaime. You taught me so much. You're far more evolved than we thought… Goodbye, I'll miss you"

 

Jaime: "I'll miss you, too, little one."

 

See? She even called her ”little one.”  She totally was Jaime’s Mini-Me. Besides, it's also nice to have it universally acknowledged how significantly more evolved Jaime Sommers is than the rest of us. Especially in the kitchen.

 

I just love happy endings.

 

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FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

 

This was an episode chocked full of wardrobe repeats. First was Jaime's blue-striped poncho style sweater (also from Mirror Image), worn over a white turtleneck, with jeans. Then it was slumber party time, with her oversized red Snuggle robe she wore in Escape to Love, while Helen Hunt got her hand-me-downs: The green striped robe from Jaime's Shield, and her blue striped t-shirt from Kill Oscar Pt. 1.

 

Jaime's long green pullover blouse is a repeat from last season's Beyond the Call. Tonight she wore it with khaki colored bell bottomed slacks and green striped tennis shoes.

 

For Mini-Me posterity and the fact it was the only article of new clothing on tonight's episode, I'm also including Helen Hunt's silver sparkled alien jumpsuit with silver boots.

 

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