Kill Oscar (Part 1)

THE BIONIC WOMAN 2X05

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Tennis Balls

THE PERRRFECT WOMEN COME TOGETHER IN THE PERFECT STORM.

Tonight, the Bionic Woman battles the Fembots in this cult classic.

Kill Oscar Pt. 1

October 27, 1976Dear Diary,Mood Ring: Gray The Bionic Woman was really awesome tonight! Steve came back (yay!) but he got struck by lightening. Then he and Jaime couldn’t go on their date because there were scary Fembots with faces that fall off. They kidnapped Oscar and Jaime tried to jump out of a window to get away and her legs blew up. Now she's in the hospital crying and she might reject her bionics again!

July 14, 2013

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Blue

Welcome back to camp, kids! I've said this before and it warrants retyping. The Fembots were the best cheese ever made in America.

I'm excited to finally reach the Kill Oscar trilogy in my episode reviews and crank up these original Fembot models again. Because unlike the Season 3 sequel Fembots in Las Vegas, this Kill Oscar story had a little more weight to it. Pun intended.

These episodes offered a more enjoyable plot with shades of obedient Stepford Wives, who ultimately fail in their war against a free-thinking feminist heroine, plus the dangers of greedily messing with mother nature long before our global warming crisis hit. Today, while we constantly battle all these devastating storms and floods, wouldn't we love to just blame Dr. Franklin and his weather machine and send in Al Gore to smack him.

But what overshadowed these underlying plot messages and collectively remains burned in childhood memory—are these ram raucous Fembots. (And don't lie, when that first mask came off, we ALL gasped like Jaime, and then okay, some of us laughed, too). Today “Fembot” is a word so ingrained in our pop culture (thank you Austin Powers) that we sometimes forget we owe The Bionic Woman television series for inventing the meme. And this was the episode that did it...

Your Bionic Blonde viewing supplies this evening include a pitcher of COLD, extra-dry martinis, Cheez Whiz, Cheetos, Cheez-It Crackers, and several pounds of Velveeta. May as well go ahead and stock up in the super sizes at Costco because you’ll need enough imitation cheese snacks to span all 3 episodes.

Ready? Set, Power Up: Kill Oscar (a title that either gives away the plot upfront, or quotes Jaime's reaction when she learned her boss assigned Fembots to her series) …begins in the secret lab of Dr. Franklin, played by Academy award winner John Houseman. He's a gruff, pot bellied, grumpy old man who needs to pitch his Soviet backers for another $10 million dollars. Because oops, over production budget already, and he's barely finished shooting the first scene.

To greet their guest, Franklin sends his lovely, red-headed assistant named Katy (played by Janice Whitby), who is wearing extremely short shorts, which on the surface seems a bit gratuitous. But when you see how EFFING HOT IT IS IN THIS PLACE, you realize she's the only one appropriately dressed for the thermostat.

Never let 'em see you sweat.: Then in walks a rich, jet-setting Russian baron named Constantine. I love how he's dressed like a pimp and speaks in a really over-the-top accent. His little mid-sentence, loosening of the collar bit to battle the heat in Franklin's office totally cracked me up. (Refresh browser to see animated gif below) The now newly-named "Sweaty Baron" demands to see Franklin's progress before he'll agree to fork over more millions of rubles or something.

Franklin takes him into his sweltering computer lab and shows him some mannequins in glass displays. "Robots?" the Baron asks with hostility, because their investment agreement was for a weather control device.

"I call them Fembots," Franklin explains. "The perrrrrfect women. Programmable and obedient and as beautiful or as deadly as I choose to make them."

OMG he really did just claim that in order for a woman to be perfect, she had to be obedient. Hurled at the TV in protest: Gloria Steinem's book "Revolution From Within" and 4 jalapeño peppers. I hope this makes them both sweat even more profusely.

"You fraud! " the Sweaty Baron says with an accusatory face. Franklin has squandered his money on these "idiotic toys!" But Dr. Franklin out sweats him, explaining that he worked for the OSI for ten years and has determined the best way to get on the inside is to replace the top department secretaries with Fembots. They're planning to start with Rudy's secretary, Lynda Wilson (played by Corinne Michaels). But the cynical Sweaty Baron doesn't think this campy prototype would fool anybody.

Suddenly Dr. Franklin reaches over and grabs Katy's face and pulls it off, making an ironic point. AHHHHHH SHE'S A FEMBOT!!

"They're really remarkable," Katy’s little subwoofer speaker mouth testifies. "Please ask them for the additional funds." The Sweaty Baron is like fine okay anything to get off this hot set and back to my air conditioned trailer.

MUSIC BOT? Then as if this robot switch-a-roo wasn't unsettling enough, the Bionic Woman's opening credits kick in, BUT WITH IMPOSTOR MUSIC! Who are you and what have you done with our beloved show opening? Apparently this was something like Joe Harnell's runner up entry in the series theme music composer contest, which has a much darker vibe. The tail end portion of this with an actual melody becomes the music they began using for the end credits every week, but I'm relieved they opted to stay with Jerry Fielding's original Bionic Woman theme song and not pull this on us again.

Alas, after a pretty amazing record on promptness this season, the Bionic Woman regrettably was 6 minutes late for her show tonight. (We'll call this the yeah whatever Fembot factor.) But at least she got to vrooom into her first scene in a sporty tan Ford Mustang—presumably a rental car—as she enters the guarded gates of the OSI building in Washington D.C.

I love how our world-recognized tennis pro has to fork over her I.D. badge to gain entry, while the same guard doesn't even bother to read the so-called courier "papers" flashed by a stranger driving an unmarked van later with a bunch of Fembots riding in the back. He’d be lousy at immigration border security.

Then human secretary Lynda pulls up behind Jaime in line, driving a Datsun B210 in a truly disturbing factory TEAL color. (When we see her apartment later, this will entirely make sense.) She honks her teal horn and Jaime waves at her and they promise to hook up in a few. But first.

Back After These Messages because CALLAHAN! I have SO missed the adorbs Peggy Callahan since reviewing season 3 early in this blog. Jennifer Darling's great character portrayal as Oscar's secretary was introduced on 6 Mil, but this episode marked the first time we met her on The Bionic Woman. Callahan is champagne-bubbly and funny with an adorable voice timbre.

And whenever she's around to facilitate "girl talks," we get the rare opportunity to see another dimension of Jaime Sommers. Comparatively speaking, Callahan is to Jaime what Rhoda was to Mary.

During the second season, Callahan only graces this 3-parter, so I'll have to be content with these first few tangible personality scenes before they downgrade her to an expressionless Fembot. <-- (Should I have included a spoiler alert with that?)

Desk Set: In Oscar's reception area, poor Callahan is frantically answering the busy phone switchboards. Jaime walks in, smiles and silently waves while Callahan screams at her phones to SHUT UPPPPP! She announces she's seriously thinking of dumping her job, while Jaime is obviously seriously thinking of becoming a therapist, because she interrupts Callahan, asks her to put all the calls on hold, (refresh browser for animated gif below) take a deep breath and relax—calming Callahan out of her stress induced frenzy.

Callahan complains her job pace has gotten bad lately, and is getting zero encouragement from Oscar. Um, perhaps part of her chaos involves poor scheduling due to the broken clock on her desk, which I couldn't help but notice stayed at 8:47 during this entire 3 minute scene. I SO love how Dr. Sommers slips into a Dr. Freud voice here and says, "Ah-ha, now vee are getting to zee real problem. Vut you have is unappreciated secretary syndrome."

Then Callahan asks Jaime if she could get some advice from her later if she has time, and Jaime's all like of course I'll make the time! (Just call my secretary in 18 years in Bionic Ever After to book an appointment. Or, as always, feel free to Ask Dr. Sommers.)

Shop Talk: Callahan gives Jaime a message that Dr. Wells wanted to see her. When she asks why, Callahan jokes "Maybe it's your heel alignment….he could balance your toes?" Jaime makes a scrunchy face and pretends she doesn't think these bionic tune up jokes are funny. Just then Lynda pops in to tell Jaime the Doc is ready to see her now.

Meanwhile, back at Dr. Franklin's extreme sauna lab, Lynda's pic is up on a monitor. They are studying her eye and hair color on the "Fischer scale," and her skin is "age 31.7 years." Oh brother. It's bad enough they have to focus in on a woman's age, but literally down to the point 7? If only Lynda had used a good sunscreen, she could have fooled them into thinking she was just 31.1 years old.

Dammit We Can't Have Nice Things: In Rudy's lab, Jaime mischievously sneaks up behind him and taps him on the shoulder, but dodges him when he turns around, so the absent minded professor goes back to his lab work. Then she sneakily starts bionic-pumping the car jack device on his pressure experiment and smashes it. Oops.

I so love it when the Bionic Woman clumsily breaks things. Considering her long trail of debris, it's a good thing Rudy was smart enough never to put Jaime in charge of personally training expensive new bionic people. (In retrospect, it truly is a miracle that Sandra Bullock survived under her care.)

After they hug hello, Rudy says he wants to make some adjustments to Jaime's bionic hearing for a higher range and clarity. I can't believe Jaime didn't start jumping up and down here at the prospect this could mean she no longer has to pull her hair back in order to hear something.

Because this new device has a range that reportedly only she and Dobermans could hear, Jaime flatly refuses to come running any time he blows a dog whistle. Then suddenly. Thunder.

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs: Jaime goes to the window and tells Rudy, "yeah okay you can check my hearing because I just heard a thunder storm and there isn't a cloud in the sky." Oh that's just our weather control station, Rudy explains. It's a lab experiment down the hall substituting for the full size working model they are building in White Sands.

Jaime's instantly intrigued with the concept. "Like watering deserts and controlling floods?" Yeah that was the plan, Rudy continues, but they ran into probs with instabilities and storm damage control. "Steve's working on the project now."

WTF? Jaime's eyes widen and she totally squees. "You mean Steve is HERE?"

Um yeah. Sweetie, if you had not sauntered in six minutes late for your episode, you would have seen Lee Majors listed in your opening credits. We've been crossover expecting him! Suddenly the thunder crashes again, and Rudy is worried that latest strike came from the "strato-chamber" where Steve is working. Oh no!!

Nuts and Bolts: Jaime races down the hall and sees guys in lab coats fleeing the smoke-filled room. The Bionic Woman takes command and orders Rudy to go get Oscar while she bionics in there and dodges lightening bolts. (Perfect aim that earns her 50 Angry Bird points per) Steve shouts for Jaime to "cut the magnetic power… switch number 4!" Suddenly his bionic arm gets struck by lightening and he drops to the floor.

After Jaime finds and flips the switch in the control booth, she rushes over to Steve to see if he's all right. He scrambles to his feet and answers, "Yeah, for a minute I was getting a real charge out of that." Jaime doesn't think that double entendre in the script was the least bit funny—nor the fact she almost got electrocuted herself—so for the remainder of this scene she makes a grumpy face at him for making light of it.

Weather Alert: Then Oscar, Rudy and Lynda arrive to help. While Rudy inspects Steve's burnt arm, Steve explains he lost control of the electro magnetic thingy while trying to duplicate a low pressure zone. I'm sorry. But WTF… first of all, you're an astronaut slash pilot, not a meteorologist, and you were conducting hazardous weather experiments inside an OSI OFFICE ?! Well no wonder Miss Sommers is kvetched. Next up: Let's create tornadoes in the break room!

Steve recommends to Oscar that they scrap this experiment because it's too unstable and dangerous. Rudy agrees. But Oscar won't budge, noting they've had tougher projects before and made them work. *stares at the two bionic people in the room* Since they've got too much time and money invested in this weather control device, Oscar wants to forge ahead. Besides, the extra sun will be great for his tan.

Sound Check: After a quick check in at Dr. Franklin's hot house of hallucinatory hellcats where he's making the final tweaks and memory downloads on the Lynda Fembot, we cut to the OSI lab where the real Lynda is testing Jaime's hearing in an isolated sound booth. Steve and Rudy walk in and Lynda reports Jaime has a 60% increase in bionic hearing sensitivity! With a 50% chance of isolated showers later.

Awww, Steve and Jaime do a cute little finger wave to each other and he asks her to wink her left eye if she can hear him. (WINKS) Steve says Rudy wants him to test his bionic arm repairs, so how about a game of handball in the OSI courts? (WINKS) and a little dinner later? Jaime smiles and nods. Steve winks again. OMG EVERYBODY CALL THE TABLOIDS THE AUSOMMERS ARE OFFICIALLY WINK-DATING AGAIN!

Gone a-Courtin' Part 2: With Franklin's white van en route to the OSI, Jaime and Steve start their game of hand ball. Squee! They haven't competed like this since she kicked his butt in tennis back in Ojai. But then regrettably, she kept hurtling her racket through the fence, so apparently she's now banned from using one. But how cute is she in these pigtails?

When Steve realizes he's finally outscoring our tennis pro in this handball game (Jaime claims she's only played this twice) he proposes they should make a bet for the winner, and suggests he has a prize in mind. Jaime replies, "Oh really, you think you can give me a hint without us getting arrested?"

Ahaha, okay game on because we have to see what this prize innuendo is. (Even though you both manage to get thrown in jail on your shows a lot so what's another arrest on your rap sheets?) Unfortunately Jaime ultimately loses, whereupon she winces and grabs her bionic hear, because ow, she suddenly hears a sharp, high pitched hum. The Fembots are approaching...

Jaime promises Steve she'll go see Rudy later to have her ear checked out. (And unlike her usual stubbornness with Steve in this appointment-follow through department, she actually will this time) But first she's going to visit Callahan for free counseling, and then they agree to meet up again later. Then Steve shamelessly checks Jaime out as she prances away. Dude, that'll get you arrested.

Fem Got: Back at Rudy's office, Lynda leaves and bids him "good night." Huh? It's not even lunch time yet. I want her job.

But when she arrives at her TEAL Datsun, Franklin's white van is parked in the space next to it and she's nabbed! Jaime's extra 60% hearing enables her to detect Lynda calling for help, but by the time she catches up to Lynda driving out of the parking lot—and she nearly ran Jaime over when she turned the corner—Jaime doesn't realize she is now the FEMBOT impostor Lynda.

Jaime tells Lynda she heard her call for help. But while Franklin and his cronies are watching Jaime on the monitor from Lynda's camera eyes, Jaime's ear keeps giving her piercing pain from the annoying high pitched Fembot hum, and decides it must be the new amplifier and could Lynda please turn it down a couple notches tomorrow? She nods. Kay bye.

Later, Lynda bot is back at work in Rudy's office I guess because saying goodnight means never having to say you're sorry your watch must have been set for the London time zone … and then we cut to Callahan at her desk on the phone with her mom. Jaime walks in and pulls up a chair, cutely props her chin up on the desk and waits for her to get off the phone. Callahan asks Jaime if she can bend her ear now, and Jaime quips, "I think it's already bent but go ahead." *giggles*

Dr. Sommerizing: During several cranky Oscar intercom interruptions asking Callahan where files are on his desk, Callahan confides in Jaime she feels overworked and under appreciated and that her mom wants her to quit and come home and meet a nice guy—and also invited her to go to Cape Cod with her next week. (pay attention to that last detail). Dr. Sommers assures Callahan she's indispensable here and offers to talk to Oscar about making her employee of the month.

Then Oscar gets an urgent call about a "tragedy" at the weather control station at White Sands, so he calls Steve to admit he was wrong to try to save the project and assigns him to fly out there immediately to do the paperwork and shut it down. But…but he has a date with Jaime!!

Oscar offers to explain to the Bionic Woman why he's subconsciously sabotaging the Ausommers. Steve warns him if he doesn't do it right, "you'll have a thunderstorm in your own office when I get back." Steve’s just brimming with weather entendres tonight, isn’t he? (Insert Jaime’s grumpy face.)

Oscar finds Jaime waiting outside and she's like hey you're not Steve, just as his helicopter flies overhead. Jaime frowns, "that's what I call running out on a date." Oscar claims he's too busy to substitute-take her to dinner himself, and Jaime uses that excuse as a segue to scold him about not appreciating his awesome secretary Callahan who juggles this aforementioned, busy schedule for him.

Later that evening Callahan's in her apartment chatting on the phone with her bestie Jaime, who is calling from her hotel room in a green nightgown. (Oy. We won’t be adding this one to “Jaime’s Jammies” designer collection on QVC. In my mind, she simply forgot to pack her nightgown and grabbed this off a clearance rack at a nearby K-Mart.) Anyhoo, Callahan says Oscar finally told her today he couldn't get along without her. Jaime claims credit for scaring Oscar about losing his secretary, and then Callahan's doorbell rings. Oops hold on a second Jaime, and she sets the phone down to see who's at the door.

Kids, what Callahan does here, never try this at home. Her door has two deadbolts and a chain lock. The purpose of said chain lock is to open your door partway to make sure it isn't Norman Bates carrying a butcher knife. Despite the fact Callahan appears to have a girl scout badge in home security with all these locks, she just swings the door wide open. So just come on in, Fembot who looks exactly like me!!

The Avon Ladies: The Katy Fembot, who is also outside the door, instantly subdues Callahan with some kind of aerosol spray can. I really wish I knew Avon's secret formula here, because this would really come in handy to spray people who annoy me. (I've tried water misting them like cats, but unfortunately that only works for a few seconds.)

The Callahan-bot, now with a real stone cold look on her face (honey you'll never sell Avon with this approach) picks up the phone and asks Jaime if she can get back to her. Jaime hears the piercing hum again, shrugs it off, and says yeah sure I'll talk to you tomorrow.

The next day Jaime jumps on the treadmill for Rudy to put herself under physical stress to see if maybe that's causing her ear to go whacky. Unfortunately during this bionic run, she is also being watched by the Callahan-bot, who video feeds the 51 mph speedometer reading to Franklin.

Sweaty Baron, who apparently is loving this new Fembot fashion craze and decided to wear a neck scarf of his own today, is shocked that a human being could run this fast. Franklin zooms in the camera. Of course, Sommers is bionic! He knew Dr. Wells was working on it, and because of this he lost his own robot research funds. Oh goody, more reasons to be even more cranky and resentful. *hisses*

Jaime tells Rudy the piercing sound hum just happened again when Callahan walked in. Rudy thinks it's maybe a quartz watch. Frankin now realizes Miss Sommers must have bionic hearing, too, so he lowers the frequency of the Fembot transistors to escape detection.

And then he orders the Lynda-bot to start phase two: kidnap Oscar Goldman. Nooooo!

Two For The Price Of One: The Sweaty Baron is giddy with the prospect of being able to obtain a Bionic Woman, who could bring a great fortune on the open market! During his remarks, I love the way he tenderly places his hand on Franklin's shoulder, who immediately removes it in a deeply homophobic sort of way. So I think it's safe to assume Franklin doesn't own any Bette Midler albums.

During further Rudy-testing of Jaime's ear in a computer lab, Oscar rings Jaime and invites her to lunch. When Jaime asks what's the occasion, it's because…

"THIS IS MY WOMAN'S APPRECIATION WEEK."

OMG Oscar, seriously DUDE, you need to SCHEDULE this? On behalf of women everywhere, <expletive removed by OSI restraining order> YOU! I now have no objections to appropriately naming this episode "Kill Oscar."

Armed with the lunch appointment info, Dr. Franklin sets his plan in motion. He has the Callahan-bot call Oscar to say Jaime wants to meet him in the parking lot at noon in "stall 54." Then Lynda-bot goes to the lab to tell Jaime Mr. Goldman called to cancel their lunch and left about a half hour ago for an emergency conference. But hey... Jaime happens to be able to see Oscar right now from her lab window wandering by her car in the parking lot looking for her. Which can only mean one thing: it's already 12-noon and of course the Bionic Woman is late.

Jaime races out the door, as the Katy-bot Avon-sprays Oscar unconscious. The Bionic Woman arrives just as they are loading him in the van. She bionic-punches her fist through the back door and rips it open, but Katy-bot reaches out and aerosols her, too and Jaime passes out—enabling them to escape. Jeezus (or should I say Cheezus?) with all these hydrocarbons in the atmosphere, I see Franklin is simply using his Fembots to destroy the climate.

The Sweaty Baron is miffed that Franklin doesn't go back and kidnap the Bionic Woman, too. But Franklin is steadfast in his determination to focus on the weather control device so he can use it as a devastating weapon. Besides, he asserts his Fembots can do anything Jaime Sommers can.

Not quite, notes the Baron... as a human being, she can think for herself.

In Oscar's empty OSI office (sniff), the investigation of Mr. Goldman's kidnapping is being handled by an obnoxious guy named Hanson from the NSB. He questions Jaime and Rudy—and also the two Fembot secretaries on the chain of events. Jaime's a bit shaken up after her Avon spray takedown, so Lynda-bot hands her a pill and Jaime chases it with a glass of water. Hmm … aspirin? valium? Flintstones vitamin? Class discuss.

Jaime catches Callahan in her story inconsistency on the exact time Oscar left to go meet her in the parking lot. Callahan gets a little flustered and claims she has trouble keeping all Oscar's appointments straight.

Ooo, Jaime's so enraged Rudy has to literally hold her back when she's scolds Callahan. She’s seen her capably juggle busy schedules all the time. Lynda-bot suggests Jaime's been having problems with her hearing. Jaime's beginning to feel gaslighted by her two besties.

And then two NSB guys finish opening Oscar's safe and hand an envelope containing a VHS videotape over to Hanson, clearly marked "INSTRUCTIONS TO BE PLAYED ONLY IN THE EVENT OF MY CAPTURE." With Oscar Goldman’s signature, which incidentally seems a bit girly to me with a lot of curly serifs. Anyway Yay! I can't tell you how long I've had this movie in my Netflix queue, but it's always checked out.

Commence Oscar Goldman's video tape message. Or was this his Match.com video dating service message—in which case he’s probably going to attract a lot of lady wrestlers.

MY RUNNING COMMENTARY IN ALL CAPS...

ORIGINAL SCRIPT“Video Instructions to be played only in the event of my capture”Starring Oscar Goldman*Please be kind and rewind this tape before returning it to my safe OSCAR"I have recorded this message so there will be no doubt these are my orders. *dramatically puts on glasses.* YUP THAT'S A POSITIVE ID ON OSCAR GOLDMAN. I realize I have too much vital information to allow it to fall into enemy hands. Under present day chemical and computer techniques of interrogation WATERBOARDING, anyone, I mean anyone, could be made to talk in a few hours. AND BY THEN I WILL HAVE GIVEN UP MY MOST GUARDED SECRET THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH JAIME SOMMERS and I don't flatter myself to think that I am any exception. YES I AM WEAK AND WILL SING LIKE A CANARY IF THEY SO MUCH AS FORCE ME TO WATCH EVEN 5 MINUTES OF THAT PYRAMID EPISODE ONE MORE TIME. I'm not being noble about this, I'm being practical. AND OKAY A BIT MELODRAMATIC TOO, BUT THE CAMERAS ARE ROLLING AND HEY DOES MY HAIR LOOK OKAY? Therefore, I order all action units of the OSI and the NSB to be mobilized to kill me as soon as possible. OMG LOOK JAIME'S EYES ARE WELLING UP WITH TEARS NOW YOU MEANIE, WAS THIS REALLY NECESSARY? Any delay, I repeat, any delay must be avoided. SO GUYS DO NOT STOP FOR SMOOTHIES ON THE WAY. No rescue attempt must be made because that would undoubtedly be too late. OF COURSE, IF ANY ACTION UNIT COULD SUCCESSFULLY LOCATE ME, I SUPPOSE THEY COULD JUST AS EASILY RESCUE ME AS GUN ME DOWN, BECAUSE LIKE THEY'RE ALREADY THERE, BUT THIS KILL ME SOLUTION IS MUCH BETTER BECAUSE NO MATTER IF I'M DEAD OR ALIVE, THE ENEMY WILL STILL ALREADY HAVE TORTURE-OBTAINED ALL MY HIGHLY CLASSIFIED INFORMATION. SEE AFOREMENTIONED PYRAMID. *Takes off his glasses* YES, LEAN FORWARD KIDS, BECAUSE THIS MEANS OSCAR'S ABOUT TO MAKE A SUPER SERIOUS POINT. My friends, this is not the cruelest thing you can do. On the contrary, it might be the kindest thing. AND NOW I'M PLANNING TO SIGN OFF LIKE A HALLMARK GREETING CARD You know you have my fondest wishes and affection always. Goodbye."

Sniff. Jaime, is stunned and shaken. Rudy pleads with the mean NSB guy not to consider doing this, but Hanson seems eager to carry out Oscar's orders. Jaime shoots him the evilest of glares, which I've decided to label her Dude I Will Not Hesitate To Kill YOU If You Kill Oscar Face™.

After the commercial, our blindfolded Oscar is being escorted into a caged holding cell at Dr. Franklin's complex, where Callahan and Lynda are already being detained. But Callhan, Oscar exclaims, I just saw you in my office a couple hours ago!

"That was a robot," Dr. Franklin leers from outside the cell. And then he goes into his diatribe about his sweet revenge on the OSI and stealing the weather control machine. Oscar feels kinda bad now about that Kill Me YouTube video he uploaded, because he never thought he'd have other innocent people with him. Least of all—two tired, angry, and now sweaty kidnapped secretaries. Oops. You are totally gonna have to buy them a TON of Women’s Appreciation lunches for this.

Our Bionic Love Birds, Presented in another Classic “Pillow Talk” Split Screen: Back at the OSI, Jaime agonizes on the phone, "They're gonna kill him, Steve!"

Yay, the Aus half of Ausommers is back! Steve reassures Jaime she can remain calm because he's leaving White Sands right now to get ready for his Part 2 episode.

But ouch, I'm not so sure I'm liking this leisure knit suit here on Steve. Let's just slap a mint sherbet label on it and call it a day, shall we? Jaime begs Steve to HURRY! (Honey, if you could see this suit he’s wearing on the other side of the party line, you’d beg him to please just take his time.)

Jaime rejoins the "situation room" to tell Hanson she's just spoken with Colonel Austin—the cute guy from that other top-rated bionic series—and they hereby crossover demand he give them a chance to rescue Oscar Goldman! Sorry, no can do. Hanson orders Jaime and Dr. Wells both out of the room and off the case, because this is an NSB matter now.

That evening Jaime shows up at Callahan's apartment on a hunch that she's not her usual self. Incidentally, wearing a lovely white tunic ensemble with white ballet slippers. However, some Nike Air Jordan’s with built-in shock absorbers would have been a more practical choice for foot attire, considering what's about to happen….

Let The Lilith Fair Begin: Jaime asks her friendly hostess for a cup of coffee and a chance to apologize for today. The Callahan-bot asks Jaime how she takes her coffee. "Black, you know that!" Callahan pretends she's "just not rowing with both oars today," while Franklin watches and screams suspiciously at the Bionic Woman on his TV monitor. "What's she UP to?"

Moments later Jaime catches Callahan in another failed identity test, asking if she still plans to go to Newport to see her mother. "You're lying," Jaime charges, "you told me yesterday she wanted you to go to Cape Cod. Now YOU may LOOK and sound like Callahan, but you're NOT her. Who ARE you and where is Oscar Goldman?" Guurl, way to just cut to the chase. And 100 Angry Bird points for bringing some bionic b*tch to our party tonight!

Ding Dong, Avon Calling: Heeding orders from Franklin to capture her, the Callahan-bot suddenly grabs Jaime's bionic arm and says, "You're no match for us Miss Sommers."

Jaime tries to wrestle her arm, pushes the Callahan-bot back, and runs for the door. But EEK Katy-bot is standing outside, ready to administer her nasty spray sedative again. Jaime awesomely bionic-karate kicks the aerosol can out of her hand. WOO HOO ANGRY AVON SCORE 200 POINTS.

And then Jaime reaches out to push Katy back and OOPS, the Fembot's cheap face falls off. Revealing to Jaime for the very first time these women are actually hideous ROBOTS. And so boys and girls, thusly we are treated to Jaime's most famous hall of fame expression, the Fembot Shock Face™.

Jaime's jaw-drop reaction aptly conveys yeah I'm totally freaked out by this revelation, but the director decided to zoom in the camera even closer to magnify the terror factor. Which sent it unnecessarily into the Cheez Whiz factory, and has the unfortunate effect of making any viewer over the age of 8 bust out laughing instead.

Ima skip showing it here since it’s not a flattering still photo. Besides, anybody who's ever seen this episode has Jaime's Fembot Shock Face™ permanently burned on their retinas anyway.

So Instead we are going to break for a sudden intermission and revisit Steve's green leisure suit to maintain that feeling of horror on a parallel level. Seriously Steve, you kinda look like a tube of Aqua Fresh toothpaste here. But you’re still Jaime’s main squeeze. (See I can do double entendres, too.)

Everybody, refill your martinis now and get out the Cheetos. Because it's time for Fembot Wrestling!

In This Corner: For the next few minutes we are treated to Joltin Jesse Sommers fighting the Fembots, throwing Callahan into a bookcase, wrestling on the sofa, some stunt doubles filmed a little too close to pass for the actors, and then Jaime who realizes they’re stronger, eventually retreats and barricades herself in the bedroom.

But the Fembots begin crashing through the door, so Jaime's only emergency exit is out the window—with no fire escape. She scrambles out to the ledge. Four stories up. She panics."I'm not that bionic" she whispers fearfully. Jump, don't jump, jump, don't jump… Until finally Jaime decides she ultimately has no choice. Riiiitaaaaaa!

Leap of Faith: This really is an amazing jump scene (kudos to stunt double Rita Egleston) and the way it was edited— so that you almost feel as if you're falling WITH her this entire terrifying distance. Jaime lands her feet on the pavement, but her bionic legs cannot absorb the force of the impact and they begin to explode electrically like fireworks. Jaime falls to the sidewalk and dies. Or passes out. WTF? Because who can tell... they just cut to commercial here. Nooooooo!

Whew! We never find out how the Bionic Woman manages to make it to an emergency "National Medical Center" in the final scene, but she's in ICU and Rudy rushes in. Jaime regains consciousness for a moment and ramble-cries, "Oh Rudy, they're robots. Will you tell Steve?" He tries to shush her and examine her legs but she winces in pain. She keeps deliriously trying to get up because she wants to get out of there. Because. Robots!

Rudy orders Jaime to calm down because this serious leg wreck is capable of restarting her "bionic rejection cycle." He says he's going to have to tune down her bionics for observation. Jaime screams, "No!" Rudy claims it will be just like sleeping. Oh man, Jaime's like crying real tears here in some serious pain. My mood ring is sadly black right now. And then it turns back to TEAL when the Lynda-bot walks in to assist Dr. Wells, and Jaime reaches out to her friend to hold her hand. She doesn’t know.

Blinkety bleepity hum.

Dr. Frankin, that cruel SOB, is watching Jaime suffer on the monitor through Lynda’s eyes, and delivers his summons to his Fembot:

"She's dangerous if people start believing her," he orders. "Finish her off if she starts coming to."

Lynda gives Jaime an evil grin, Jaime drifts unconscious, and...

TO BE CONTINUED...

ON THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN

Be still my quivering lip. Will Jaime live? Will they Kill Oscar? But most importantly, will we see the most romantic scene evah in the history of the Ausommers when Steve comes to visit her in the hospital? *heavy sigh* Stay tuned, kids!