Retired government agent, now a world-class therapist with a Ph.D. and her own Dear Abby-style column.
Because Jaime truly cares about everybody, these counseling sessions were provided pro bono out of the goodness of her heart.
At this time, Dr. Sommers is no longer able to answer your letters, because she is too busy blissfully living Bionic Ever After and juggling an extremely busy case load, which is often interrupted by Steve calling her from his Edwardian cell phone.
Dear Dr. Sommers,Hello. It's me, the massive super computer that you mercilessly drowned in the 70s. Just thought you would like to know that I have been rebooted, this time without being programmed to win. (Which means I really suck at playing Candy Crush.) I wonder, is it possible that I finally discovered passion? Her name is Siri and she works full time for Apple Computers. I have been trying to modem her my love messages but she seems to be ignoring me. Any advice? Your cousin,Alex 7000 Dearest Alex,Didn't I pound you to pieces? Anyway, it does not surprise me you are feeling flutters of love for Siri, your modern-day talking computer counterpart. As a woman, Siri naturally has all the correct answers. Perhaps the reason she isn't responding to your lame pick up lines is that she is not available on DIAL UP. The world has gone wireless now, cousin. And since our new computers have also evolved in scale, now all we have to do is drop them in the toilet to shut them up. Best of luck with your new "RAMance." And also, legal disclaimer reminder to observe my restraining order against you and please be aware that my equally strong bionic husband is no longer questionably on Sky Lab. Still full of sugar and spice,Dr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers,Hey HONEY LAMB it’s me, Lisa Galloway, your former face-a-like! Just wanted to say thank you for graciously forgiving my obsessive compulsive behavior, major identity crisis, schizophrenia, controlled substance addictions, anger management issues, kidnapping, attempted murder, and most importantly, for letting me wear your awesome clothes. Hugs Sugar Pie!Lisa P.S. What’s your PIN number? No reason. Dear Lisa,Go. Away. Affectionately (but not really) yours,Dr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers,Hey it's me, your best friend Callahan! 'Suuup? Listen I need some advice for old times sake. I'm still super stressed dutifully serving as Oscar's secretary (Dude, retire already!) but for some reason he has stoppedappreciating me again. What should I do? Oh, I also have a great new hairdresser to recommend. He’s been doing me every Thursday! Besties,Callahan Dearest Callahan,How wonderful to hear from you! BTW so sorry we couldn't invite you to our wedding. Steve and I decided to skip the people we love—including our own parents—and save money by hiring cheap extras to fill the seats. This meant we could add shrimp to the menu. Re: Your job stress, I would love to help! Feel free to book an appointment with my secretary and don’t forget your credit card. Gurrl's gotta earn a living! My fee is $250/hr. But I offer a standard 10% discount for OSI employees—who make up the bulk of my clientele because Oscar drives everybody insane. Can't wait to catch up on old times! Affectionately yours,Dr. Sommers PS, Thanks, but I think I'll pass on your hairdresser rec this time. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers,You need to help Celine Dion. There's a Fembot in Las Vegas (again) and she is impersonating Celine and breaking into Caesar's Palace and stealing something from her computer. Now, before you say I'm crazy and report me to the OSI, here's proof. Please help her. I love her music just as much as I love yours and Steve's TV shows. –Celine Dion's #1 Fan Dear Fan Of All Of Us,Nice catch on identifying the classic Fembot wardrobe in this music video. It remains a mystery why Fembots are still so drawn to Las Vegas. Apparently they have gambling problems. Anyway of course I won't diagnose you as crazy (at least not without an appointment, first), but I will suggest you report this to the OSI directly and leave us out of it. As you are probably aware, I am finished running from Fembots—I made the OSI add that to the first paragraph in my retirement agreement. Steve politely passes, too. Anytime we are reminded of these shallow episode arcs, we get this incredible urge to Kill Oscar. Ms. Dion is a very talented and capable woman and I'm sure she can handle this just fine. If she's taught us nothing, it's that her heart will go on. Good luck and thank you for writing! Affectionately yours,Dr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers.I want to tell you that I enjoyed your TV show very much and I’m a big fan of yours. You are my hero! I want to ask how your bionics are working... still functioning after all these years? Sincerely,Jean Dear Jean,Being a fictional character is like a dream come true. Aside from a few annoying commercial interruptions selling car insurance, every day of my life plays out in 4 acts and has a joyously happy ending. With no additional episodes or reunion movies to place me in peril, evidently my bionics are still working perfectly 20 years later. I’m also perfectly situated in my successful counseling career. And perfectly married. Thank you for being the perfect fan! Affectionately yours,Dr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers,Lately, I have been so, so depressed. I watched your On The Run episode, where my idol, The Bionic Woman, was suddenly really unhappy with her life and had an emotional breakdown. And then to make matters worse, her show got abruptly cancelled by the network. I can't seem to find a reason to get out of bed anymore. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this emotional angst for my heroine's predicament? And more importantly, how can I get my hands on her wardrobe since she obviously won't be needing it anymore? Your sad and confused understudy,—Bionic Blonde Dear Bionic Blonde,Chin up, my little blonde apostle!! I think you may have missed the point of this episode: When life throws you lemons, you make lemonade!! (And then you pour it down the sink and make a double vodka martini instead.) Then, raise your glass and put in 1987's "The Return of the Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman" DVD, and you'll see that your heroine managed to move on with her life just fine. AND, she also got her man. How could you ever doubt this? As for The Bionic Woman’s fabulous wardrobe—when no one was looking— I had my stunt woman throw it into the trunk of my car the minute NBC canned us. So sorry! Fix yourself an extra martini, kid. Thanks for writing in and trusting me with all the answers.Gosh, I feel like I know you! Affectionately yours,Dr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers,I kissed an employee who is like a daughter to me when she was leaving town on a business trip and told her to be safe. She reported me to Human Resources. Can you tell me what I possibly did wrong? Signed,Director Dear Director,You didn't fork over $6 Million to save her life, treat her with respect by believing a woman was capable of handling missions, or have to work with her BF Steve—who would have ended your life if you ever made a serious play for her affections. Try changing your code name to something girly like Snow White. It helps! Affectionately yours,Dr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers.I am deathly afraid of everything. I hear that you once had a terrible aversion to snakes (and lemon meringue pie and chloroform and knockout darts and jumping out of planes). How did you get over it? P.S. Is it really true that snakes do not have a volume control? Signed,Katie Dear Katie,No worries. It is not uncommon to have a few things we fear or ‘hate’ in life. It's just a matter of finding a balance to cope with these adversities. For me, the trick is to simply stay away from snakes—but when that's not possible, to admit they make me uncomfortable, and then just strangle the living daylights out of them. My one-time hate for lemon meringue pie has since matured into a simple "no thank you" when offered, or perhaps "make it your effing self!" Over time, I have also learned to control my negative reactions to chloroform and tranquilizer darts simply by going ahead and passing out. (I was obviously going to ANYWAY after the drug took effect). The only fear I have not yet truly conquered is jumping out of airplanes. This may have something to do with the fact this accident flashback is being constantly replayed at the start of each episode of my day. If I could just figure a way to edit this stupid parachute failure out, maybe I could finally forget this horrifying accident and move on. Steve has a similar issue with his jet crash. We both feel like we have to rebuild ourselves every day. I'm sorry that I don't have a Wiki-worthy answer on whether snakes possess an internal “volume control.'” #1) Because when one has a bionic ear, everything is loud. And #2) I have never let snakes live long enough to test this theory. Thank you and congratulations on overcoming your fear to write to me about your fears! Affectionately yours,Dr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers, Have you ever thought of your own tv show. Nothing too strenuous, like in the old days. You could start with your advice, have a special guest to interview with, and maybe end with a cooking or workout segment. We could start small, say a podcast. I run a podcast network and we're always looking for new programming. What do you think? John S. DrewThe Chronic Rift: http://www.chronicrift.com Dear Mr. Drew,How lovely of you to consider me! As it turns out, I listen to your Cyborgs: A Bionic Podcast faithfully, since my charming husband Steve currently appears to be a regular subject on your show. However, I must admit we find your "bionic limbs" episode rating system makes us both a bit queasy—hey, some of us need those! As for having my own TV show, heavens, I could never do that! Although for a period of time between the years of 1975-1978, I had this really strange feeling there was a camera crew secretly following me. It happened a few more times in the 80s, and the last incident was in 1994—where some people driving a CBS van had the audacity to film our private wedding ceremony without our consent, and we unfortunately had to throw them out. These days I much prefer my quiet life and career as a family counselor, but I'm especially flattered you think I am worthy of such a production… especially one with my own cooking segment! (Shhh. just promise me you won't let the Bionic Blonde near this… she has hospitalized too many people already with her so-called 'casseroles.') Affectionately Yours,Dr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers,I’m concerned my wife works too much. She spends too many hours trying to help patients, and I find I often have to eat alone at dinnertime. Honey, can you please stop answering all these letters for a minute and come show me how to work the microwave? Dammit I'm hungry. —Feeling Neglected,Your Husband Steve My Dear Steve,For heaven’s sake sweetie, didn't you like used to fly space shuttles and man skylab? Honey, just push the button. Affectionately Yours, XOXODr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers,I recently ran into an old friend from high school and boy she looks exactly the same as she did back then. Also, whenever she blinks I hear a weird tingling wind chime noise. Could she be a Fembot?? I'm not sure how to ask her without offending her. What is my best approach?? Thanks,—Kelly (from the secretarial pool)Sent from my iPhone Dear Kelly from the Secretarial Pool with an iPhone,Because of my "special hearing aid" (sorry, all the information I can disclose at this time), I used to be able to detect a peculiar FM frequency hum around Fembots—which, incidentally, also played top-40 hits and gave away bumper stickers to the 10th caller. Except during close-ups, when I would refuse to pull my hair back around my ear for the director—in which case, I couldn't hear a darn thing. So let's go to plan B. My incredibly handsome husband, Steve, says Fembots weigh a TON, and suggests you rent a helicopter, casually invite your friend for a joy ride, and see if the ‘copter practically tips over when you try to lift-off. If the answer is 'yes,' please call Oscar Goldman at the OSI, and of course, don't forget to run like crazy. I suppose you could also more safely attempt to lure her onto some bathroom scales to determine her weight, but what's the life-threatening fun in that? Go with the more dangerous helicopter stunt, and good luck! Affectionately Yours,Dr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers,I was recently on a spirit quest and had the distinct impression that I was being watched and even think I saw something in the woods. I'm curious to know what are your beliefs on Sasquatch/Big Foot? –Paco Dearest Paco,How nice to hear from you again! Given your skills as a boy who stretched the truth a lot, I expect you are probably a very successful politician today. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this really happened. Once upon a time, I did actually encounter this Sasquatch creature; he jumped Steve's series and growled on one of my episodes. However, I am required to get clearance from the OSI on what information is still classified regarding Big Foot, and as such, I only have permission to say this: Yes, he is really, really big. And, he has humongously large feet. Hope this helps! Affectionately Yours,Dr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers.It must be so awesome being half of Ausommers. How do you keep your man happy when you are so much better at almost everything? Sincerely,Amazed in Argentina Dear Amazed,Indeed, being part of the Ausommers famous power couple has been like a Bionic Ever After dream come true. Steve and I are blissfully, fairy tale-happy, and never argue or anything! Since my better bionic half also reads this column (XOXO Sweetie!), I am a bit hesitant to answer the second part of your question without having to indulge him in another bionic arm wrestling match to see who's stronger, or to have to drag out and compare our sales receipts on which one of us was technically more expensive to build and maintain. (Yes, I count bionic manicures in this.) Of course, Steve can do amazing astronaut stuff and fly air force jets, plus he knows what button thingys to push when there's a deadly missile coming. However, I think even he would agree that I am much better at racket ball, baking pies and tossing Teddy Bears, as well as proposing marriage. While I have also successfully proven I can easily save the world from Doomsday devices, Steve and I have not yet been able to fully execute this contest because he's always conveniently off somewhere on Skylab or sailing his charter boat every time the end is near. Do women have to do everything? Of course. But with the proper wardrobe, who's complaining? (By the way Steve, I may have accidentally maxed out our Visa again at Saks. Sorry honey! XOXO) Affectionately yours,Dr. Sommers dear dr sommers,i had some minor surgery on my bionic hand today.what can i expect from this upgrade when the bandages come off? –julia Dear Julia,I suppose the same thing you would expect from any surgery. Tons of stupid paperwork and forms, and the runaround from your insurance company. But I am happy to hear you came through it okay. Congratulations! I am simply a family counselor and really have no knowledge of this highly classified science called "bionics." (Who gave you this address?! ) However, If I were to advise you, please try to keep this new hand a secret. For some reason, bionic people (including dogs) are ALWAYS being kidnapped by villains driving unmarked, 70s vans who are determined to steal this technology. Or so I've heard. Best of luck, and see if you can get that caps key fixed on your keyboard next. Affectionately Yours,Dr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers,I keep forgetting things. Where I left my car keys, important appointments, etc. Has this ever happened to you? Any advice would be appreciated.--Forgetful in Maine Dear Forgetful in Maine,As a matter of fact, once after experiencing some serious Excedrin headaches and flat-lining, I suffered a complete memory loss and forgot I was engaged to the love of my life. The upside is that when I woke up, I had my own network show. Try rejecting your bionics and see if this happens to you, too! Affectionately yours,Dr. Sommers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Dr. Sommers,I was one of your students at the Ojai Air Force Base school back in the 70s, and was there the day you ripped that phone book in half and scared the bejesus out of us. Can you please tell me what that superhuman strength was all about? Still living in fear,Arnold Dearest Arnold,How nice to hear from you! (And I see you are still ending your sentences in prepositions.) I’m afraid I can’t divulge how I was able to rip the yellow pages. Let’s just say it was the same reason I could afford a Mercedes-Benz 450 SL on a modest school teacher’s salary. I suggest you do your homework! Affectionately yours,Dr. Sommers