February 18, 2014

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Purple

 

Fasten your seat belts, shugah pies, it's gonna be a bumpy return flight. When last we met, the real Jaime Sommers suffered greatly in casual head-to-toe denim and had just busted herself out of maximum security prison. While her face-a-like Lisa Galloway perfectly cosplayed the Bionic Woman and sashayed into Washington wearing Jaime's fabulous wardrobe—and conned Oscar and Rudy into thinking she was the real Jaime, doing perfect Jaime things.

 

Also in this ringer of episode perfection, was the way in which Lindsay Wagner masterfully took all the vinegar out of Lisa Galloway—who we loved to hate in Mirror Image, and made us start to feel genuinely sorry for her psychological meltdowns and misguided actions. In fact, I bet she's still a regular patient of Dr. Sommers today.

 

Pop Quiz: While Rudy recaps scenes from last week for approximately 3 whole minutes, here are the Bionic Blonde's chalkboard highlights from Deadly Ringer Pt. 1: Needlepoint. Adreenawhat?!  Scrapbooking. Padded Cell freak-out. Baloney sandwich. Jailbreak!  If none of these keywords makes sense, you have not read chapter 1 and (our substitute) Miss Sommers will purge you from her seating chart. Get busy, class!

 

Tonight we definitely need martini supplies, but no snacks necessary, because Helen is going to be cooking for us tonight. That's right… Mommy's baaaaaack. SQUEE!! She's been mysteriously missing since Jaime's Mother and Jim keeps covering for her absence to the point I've become suspicious he buried her body in the basement.

 

What a relief to learn Helen Elgin is still around doing wonderful mommy things for Jaime as well as for her extended family of look-a-likes—Chris Stewart and Lisa Galloway.  <--- Yes, we do notice that they now only call Helen on set whenever they want to torture the poor woman with confusing, mistaken identity plots. So clearly by 3rd season, Helen just went ahead and buried herself in the basement.

 

Release the Houndssss! In tonight’s first scene, Jaime (again, designated by the official Twitter verified account √) is running over the river and through the woods, being pursued by prison guards, state police, a pack of hound dogs and a helicopter in the sky while the warden coordinates Operation Delaware Backwoods Storm. The copter radios in that "she's moving too fast to be human!"

 

Back in Washington, Lisa Galloway stops outside the door of the government lab Oscar and Rudy entrusted her to courier the Adrenalizine to. She checks to see if anyone is looking, steals a huge chunk of her pink substitute superhero Popeye's spinach, wraps it in a white napkin and hides it in her purse. Between her bright white suit with matching hat, shoes, purse, plus napkin, I had to stop and adjust the white balance on my television.

 

OOPS Watch Out For The... √ Jaime reaches a muddy river and swamp area and attempts to wade through it, but of course just like on Gilligan's Island, she accidentally steps into QUICKSAND. (I ask you, has anybody ever really encountered one of these plot gimmicks in real life?) Woah, in stark contrast to Lisa's clorox bleach fashion statement, Jaime is now covered in mud well above her waist and sinking fast—but she manages to grab a low lying branch and drag herself out.

 

Then hark, Jaime hears the hound dogs getting closer, so she bionic bulldozes a tree across the swamp and tip-toes to the other side. Angry Bird Score: 250 points!  She then jumps the rest of the way across the river, causing the guards and dogs to lose her trail.

 

Shout It Out: But my favorite part is when we cut back to Jaime dashing off into the woods, where her clothes are now suddenly all clean again!  So I guess there was one of those mobile Tide laundry trucks on her path enabling the Bionic Woman to have her wardrobe spontaneously washed and dried before going back on the lam.  (Lisa, just give up you will NEVER be this good.)

 

After Oscar gets a call from the Warden to say Jaime got away, Lisa enters the Government Lab of Sexual Harassment, where Dr. (Horny) Ohanian tells her she's the "best looking courier Rudy has ever sent here,"  then proceeds to make several overtures to pressure her to go out with him because I mean for god sakes, look at his sexy tie.

 

Don't worry Lisa I am documenting each and every one of his sleazy, misogynistic "Now, have YOU anything you'd like to give US?" wink wink remarks. Lisa has a few clever Jamie-esque comeback lines and holds her ground, while also managing to complete her Adrenalizine delivery duties. Yeah this is all the compound Rudy had left sorry gotta go bye!   Perv.

 

Car Clues: Lisa begins to wonder where does she live? She experiences some teary-eyed, identity theft confusion flashbacks during her creepy child-like horror music theme song while driving a dreadfully brown Ford sedan to the D.C. airport. Jaime would never be caught dead in this ugly car CAN’T YOU PEOPLE SEE THIS WOMAN IS AN IMPOSTOR?!

 

Meanwhile our jail fugitive Jaime finally staggers into civilization—a rail yard and storage depot. This is one of my absolute favorite scenes of the series—where she approaches the fence out of breath, prepares to jump it, then notices a gate open nearby and waves it off. "Eh!"  Angry Bird Score 500 points for the comic relief and for sparing Rita another fence jumping stunt.

 

Phoning It In: Jaime breaks an outdoor "official use only" locked phone and dials up Oscar. "Good Callahan, put her on!" (But we don't see Oscar’s secretary so bummer). Jaime's like thank god you're there I've been in prison yadda yadda they think I'm Lisa Galloway!

 

Coincidentally, Lisa Galloway is also at a pay phone at the moment, reporting in to Dr. Courtney asking what's gonna happen after he sells the Adrenalazine because she can continue being Jaime Sommers she knows she can!

 

Courtney tells her she will be $10 Million dollars richer so why on earth would she want to continue starring in The Bionic Woman? Ummm because she says she likes the way she looks and she's discovering there are other kinds of happiness that money can't buy. (Be careful Lisa—we have unfortunately already seen the 3rd season and feel compelled to warn you it includes motorcycles, sharks, pyramids, martians, rodeos and more Fembots. We suggest you TAKE THE MONEY and run.)

 

And then we cut back to Jaime trying to explain to Oscar how she broke out of jail and there's mean jail employees in on this conspiracy and here's my location come get me. Buh bye!  But Oscar and Rudy think she's Lisa impression-ing Jaime because the warden warned them Galloway was nutso. Oscar orders the depot surrounded because this time he doesn't want "any mistakes" taking her into custody.

 

When We Return From The Commercial… or DID we? Suddenly there's Lisa smiling as she strolls towards the camera at the airport, scored to a schmaltzyish song entitled "Time Changes."

 

Unfortunately it reminds me of that song in The Bionic Dog where you swear you're watching an ad for feminine protection products. Only this time it's really more like a 70s airline commercial. Yes stewardess, please fetch me a pillow AND a martini.

 

"If yesterday's made of bad memories / Then leave it behind on the ground / And fly above into a world you love / and the new life that you've found."

 

OMG I cannot breathe. My apologies to fans who like this loungey tune and truthfully it's really not half bad. But I'm sorry—it's one of those aspects of the series that just doesn't work for me after 1977, except to instill uncontrollable laughter because it's just so Saturday Night Live Parody Material. And I'm also sorry to report that after some bionic wikki-ing, there appears to be no public record of this singer or songwriter. Translation: somebody went to great lengths to erase any connection or credit. That's okay, I completely understand Unnamed Session Singer who got a record deal by leaving this off their resumé. Or perhaps it was Lee Majors.

 

Facing The Music: Nevertheless, this groovy song negatively triggers inspires Lisa Galloway to pursue her dream of becoming Jaime Sommers on a permanent basis. To gaze out the airplane window and smile with content in her decision to keep her awesome Carriage House and face. Then a short while later, she sneaks another hit of Adrenelazine for a nice high. Dear TSA gate screeners: the pink wad of clay in this passenger's purse doesn't resemble plastic explosives in any way. Keep up the great work!

 

While Lisa's plane ascends into the wild blue yonder, we cut to a helicopter approaching the depot. Noooooo, Jaime's back in her fetal position again, this time leaned up against the building. The state police and warden arrive plus an ambulance, for which Jaime says thanks, but she doesn't really need that because a nice hot bath would do just fine. But then she notices Dr. Witch and her warlock intern who drugged her and locked her in the padded cell. Crap!

 

C'mon you guyzzz, I am NOT LISA! When they try to grab Jaime, she bionics a gate into the cops and retreats to the depot building. Where some worker guy—dressed in coveralls and a classic railroad cap like he has just come from the set of a Hee Haw taping—witnesses her moving millions of mach tons of heavy crates to block the door. Her strength slightly intimidates him.

 

Upon orders, a police guard shoots out the bay window to prove they have big guns and aren't bluffing. Woah!  And while Jaime's face aptly conveys the Bionic Woman is clearly uncomfortable with the concept, her accidental employee obediently plays along with her when she shouts back that she has a gun and has taken Grandpa Jones hostage and demands to see Oscar Goldman, or ELSE.

 

Do I Have To Do EVERYTHING? I Do Have Another Show, You Know: Finally, a short while later a massively irritated Oscar lands via helicopter, yelling "What's the matter, Warden? Can't you and all these men handle one woman?" Hahaha.  Oscar takes the bullhorn and opens negotiations with Lisa Galloway. I love how he interrupts Jaime while she's explaining the whole Deadly Ringer plot to her hostage to bring him up to speed and assure him she's not really like this in other episodes.

 

Oscar refuses to believe she isn't Lisa, saying he knows she's "studied Jaime's life."  Jaime shouts back, "I have LIVED Jaime's life!"  Ooo, great line!  Jaime pleads with him to whisper her a question without the bullhorn.

 

Suddenly Oscar's expression changes to stone. Yeah boss, you forgot about that little bionic hearing thing didn't you?!  Oscar whispers,"Who are you? What's your name?" and Jaime of course shouts the correct answer and I just. Can't. Her hurt little girl face and the way her voice cracks, mixed with her emotional yay I'm finally rescued as she races out the door to hug Oscar is so incredibly heartbreaking. I have to go away for a few minutes.

 

Then Lisa lands in Ojai OMGOMG it's Mommy!!

 

Jaime’s Other Mother: Helen Elgin finally returns to the series, accompanying her hubby Jim to greet their “daughter” at the airport. The fake Jaime says she's glad to be home and if she had her way she'd never leave again. Sure whatever can somebody please drop a house on her? I’m ignoring Lisa at the moment for her role in causing the heartache and reckless endangerment Jaime just suffered. Presently what’s more important is I really like Helen's sweater in this scene.

 

Exonerated, our √ Jaime is now wrapped in a warm blanket while plot threads are wrapping up at the Depot. I adore Jaime's snarky expression as she watches the cops take Dr. Witch and her intern into custody.  Jaime 1) accepts the warden's apology, 2) the subject of Dr. Courtney's coincidental jail break comes up and 3) Oscar wonders how Lisa passed all her bionic tests in Rudy's lab.  "My GOD, the Adrenelazine!!"

 

Home Again: Finally we are back on the set of Helen's familiar house where she's serving Fake!Jaime dessert and coffee in the living room. Jim comes back with a polaroid camera because Lisa noticed in the scrapbook she didn't have a picture of the 3 of them together so she requested they have a family photo shoot at least once a year. And smile and FLASH!

 

That night Lisa lovingly places the family picture by her bedside and kisses it goodnight, whilst wearing Jaime's Jaime's Mother Jammies. (aka the JJMJs) There's that creepy music again. And then oops, sudden stomach cramps that eventually pass and then Lisa falls asleep.

 

Magic Hat: The next morning in Washington, it's √ Jaime's turn to meet Plato the adorbable rat in Rudy's lab. Oh wow, she's wearing a stunning dark navy blue pantsuit with orange blouse and a lovely navy blue hat. (I guess wardrobe had a big sale on hats this week?) And now that Jaime is wearing a hat and Lisa is not, I'm taking this as symbolic for the CROWN being passed back to the Bionic Woman, her rightful royal highness and supreme queen of all things. All hail the hat!

 

Oscar just got off the phone from the Lab of Sexual Harassment and learned Lisa only delivered 10 grams of the Adrenelazine so they know she's packing another 40 in her napkin and for Dr. Courtney—worth millions on the foreign buyer open market.

 

Jaime’s Shugah Pie Shop: While Plato's spinning the wheel in his cage, back in Ojai Lisa is "Adrenelazine-speed" whipping up some scrambled eggs for breakfast.

 

But suddenly she has to stop and smile and take another look around her FABULOUS Carriage House apartment life, complete with real brass bed and cozy fireplace. And then hear Obi-Wan Courtney echo in memory once again that "You ARE Jaime Sommers."  Which naturally would inspire any of us to drop everything and go to the phone and anonymously report his whereabouts to the authorities just to get his stupid voice out of our head. That's right, she's sending her partner in crime Dr. Courtney up the river.

 

Your Call Is Important To Us, Please Press 2 For Southern: While Lisa's on hold, she suffers another stomach cramp. Yeah sorry about all that but thanks for the wide shot of her fabulous black blouse and skirt with orange smock vest. (Ironic that Lisa, like Jaime, also looks great in black.) Then as Oscar and Jaime follow the anonymous tip to the hotel to find Dr. Courtney, we cut to poor Plato (or was it his stunt double?) who is now drunk-staggering in his little cage. Noooooo!

 

At class that day at the Air Base,’ best teacher in the world’ Lisa sneaks behind the chalkboard to snarf more Adrenelazine and speed-write today's lesson. Look at that, she’s using on school grounds!  And then she suffers more stomach pains, however her sister—still enjoying her preferential spot in the front row from last week—doesn't seem to notice or care.

 

BAM! Oscar kicks in the door of the hotel room Dr. Courtney is hiding out in, and demands to know where the stolen drug is.

 

"Why don't you ask HER," Courtney says, glaring at Jaime who he thinks is Lisa because he missed the scene where Jaime didn't die in prison surgery after all.

 

"You've got the wrong girl, Dr. Courtney," Jaime neeners.

 

Courtney's all like yeah that phone call yesterday where you said you thought you could really BE Jaime and live in Ojai you're doing a pretty excellent job. And then Oscar and Jaime look at each other and share a moment of shock and realization that Heyyyyy, Lisa must be in Ojai. Because like why would someone stealing an identity use the victim's vacated address, too?

 

Yay Time For Helen Again!! She's in her mommy kitchen stirring something on the stove and Lisa walks in after school and kisses her on the cheek and says "Ooo is that scotch broth?!" and Helen says yeah they're having grilled cheese sandwiches, too!

 

Unfortunately I can't get nearly as excited about dinner, because I just googled Scotch Broth and learned it doesn't even have scotch in it.

 

Lisa's hungry because she skipped lunch and claims, "I could eat a HORSE right now." And then Helen delivers the most perfect punchline:

 

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Having nothing to do with Helen's great comic timing, Lisa is suddenly bowled over with stomach pains again and decides to go lay down on the sofa. Ring-Ring, Helen answers the phone and it's Oscar who asks her if she is sitting down. And then he puts the real √ Jaime on the phone to talk to Helen and of course she's like WTF?  After her initial shock, Helen is all bummed because this Lisa girl she is cooking for seems nice, so it's too bad she's the Southern axis of evil. They ask Helen to keep Lisa distracted until they can get there buh-bye!

 

Rat Pack: Just as Jaime and Oscar head out the door, Rudy arrives with his white rat Plato. OMG PLATO’S DEAD— KIDS LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY!  Rudy just discovered the super fine print pharmaceutical side effects for Adrenalizine which reveal it acts like rat poison, and if they don't get to Ojai soon, Lisa will die of d-Con, too.

 

But then that's IT?! No moment of silence or burial for poor Plato, our cute little lab rat? Who—along with rhesus monkeys and bionic puppy dogs—all gave their lives for Dr. Rudy Wells’ research? (As you have probably noticed, I'm not particularly fond of animal testing.)  Don’t worry Plato, WE will honor you with your very own Time Changes musical tribute. (Click above to play video).

 

On The Case: When Helen delivers Lisa's supper on a tray, she decides to play detective Angela Lansbury in Murder She Wrote and pretends that was "Mrs. Hartman" on the phone earlier, "you remember her, don't you?" When Lisa nods, Helen knows she’s not Jaime, but comforts her "baby" anyway when her stomach hurts again. Lisa thanks her mommy and of course Helen is all torn with sympathy for her, which means now we are, too. My mood ring is too sad to think of another color.

 

After the commercial, Jaime, Oscar and Rudy arrive in Ojai and meet Helen in her driveway. Lisa's up in the Carriage House and she's in pain and Helen says she feels awful for her.

 

And then she very cleverly takes Jaime aside and passes her guidance directive onto her, almost in a now-don't-you-dare-be-mean-to-her kind of way. "if you could just see her, talk with her…"

 

Briefly Back After These Messages: If Helen had not intervened about going easy on Lisa, do you think Jaime might have taken a somewhat harsher, less-forgiving approach when she faced her nemesis? Class discuss.

 

Jaime heeds her motherly advice, turns to Oscar and says she wants to confront Lisa alone because she has already filmed those Depot showdown scenes and knows what it's like to be cruelly treated like a hunted criminal. Oscar reluctantly agrees.

 

Hooray it's the Return of Haley Mills and Haley Mills in Parent Trap 2! Jaime climbs the stairs and we get a very awesome upper and lower split twin shot. Lisa's shocked, "Who are YOU?!"  Ahahaha seriously Lisa, this woman you've been emulating doesn't look the least bit familiar?

 

Jaime tries to be gentle with her but Lisa says she doesn't need any help and pounds the table in anger and breaks it. "See what I can do? I'm Jaime!"

 

Jaime complains, "That was Jaime's favorite table—now if you were her, you wouldn't have done that."

 

Lisa keeps nibbling more Adrenelazine and over the next several minutes will hurl with violent intent to harm Jaime:  a chair, something through the window, a lamp, a steamer trunk, plus a side table at Oscar for trying to come up the stairs. Jaime orders Oscar to get out, she's got this.

 

Self-Destruction: Despite the flying debris, unfortunately there will be no Angry Bird points awarded to Lisa tonight because she fails to hit anybody. But in retrospect, I should have developed a drinking game for every time Lisa destroyed another piece of Jaime's furniture. Oh wait, I just now GOT how Lisa’s destruction of her own perfect Carriage House = the pieces of her ideal life breaking apart.

 

Suddenly Lisa begins to sob and confesses, "Nobody loves Lisa, not her parents and not her teachers, nobody ever loved Lisa!"  Stop! This is getting too sad.

 

Likely due to the decorating damage, Jaime decides to dump something really depressing on Lisa as payback.

 

Remember Plato that cute little white rat in Rudy's lab?  WELL HE'S DEAD! DEAD I TELL YOU!  Because of the Adrenalazine you keep eating— it's going to kill you just like it poisoned him.

 

Southern Comfort: Enraged Lisa then rips a hand railing off, and gets ready to slug Jaime and then suddenly reverts back to her Southern accent to accuse her, "You just don't want me to live like yew!"

 

After a few more lines of angry denial, eventually Lisa surrenders and kneels and hugs Jaime's bionic legs and Jaime bends over to comfort her and tell her it's going to be okay. Sniff. Upper and lower Jaime are done here. Fade out.

 

In the final scene, Jaime is visiting her other half in the Hospital of Everything, where Lisa is scheduled to have surgery to get her old face back, presumably undergo treatment for schizophrenia, recover from deadly rat poisoning, and therapeutically finish Jaime's needlepoint.

 

Lisa proudly holds up the completed work "TO YOUR OWN SELF BE TRUE" and thanks Jaime for the “predent." (*giggle* was there a typo in the script?  Sigh. I’m going to miss Lisa Galloway’s unique “Southern” Los Angeles accent.)

 

Flying Sew-Lo: Jaime pays Lisa a compliment that her sewing is a lot neater, and Lisa of course now finally gets that how, all along, with no spoiler alerts, this tapestry threaded the ultimate moral of this story. She's truly sorry for all the trouble she has caused.

 

Sure fine. Now, about your face. Like a Hollywood agent, Jaime just happens to have brought along a nice big photo of the real Lisa Galloway, just to make sure the plastic surgeons get this right.  (And if you lose the photo, she knows where there are hundreds more scattered all over the wall of a padded prison cell AND SHE WILL GO GET THEM FOR YOU.)

 

The two are all friendly smiles and forgiveness here, but don't think I didn't notice this story conveniently ended PRE-surgery...

 

Honey lambs, how can we be sure Lisa isn't still out there cosplaying the Bionic Woman today? Frankly, now I’m not sure which one I met at that Con last year.

 

Final Tally: Mood ring awesomely purple. Sometimes these double or triple parters can begin to lose steam, but both installments of Deadly Ringer remained strong from beginning to end. Everybody in the cast and crew seemed to be giving 110%, and it was gratifying to see just how good The Bionic Woman television series could be had they been able to devote these talents and resources more consistently every week.

 

As noted in Part 1, this amazing dual-role performance earned Lindsay Wagner an Emmy. I wonder if they had to give her 2 statues.

 

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RELATED LINKS

 

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Deadly Ringer (Part 1)

Jaime Sommers' Lost Facebook Page 2x01 (Click image above to expand)

Video: I'm Jaime: A Cello Underscore

Video: Bionic Woman: Bad Body Double

 

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FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

 

The first part of this episode contained wardrobe carry-overs from Part 1; Jaime in her long sleeved denim shirt and jeans, later wrapped in a blanket, and Lisa’s white suit/skirt combo and hat, worn later without the jacket for the family photo. I also loved the sleeve detail on this gray knit sweater Helen was wearing at the Ojai airport.

 

Later Jaime changed into a gorgeous dark navy blue pantsuit with an orange blouse and neck scarf, with a matching blue felt dress hat. Lisa wore a black blouse and skirt and an orange pullover smock vest with a front pocket and string ties on the sides. Lisa also “borrowed” the nightgown last seen in Jaime’s Mother.  In the final scene, Lisa was in a blue hospital gown, while Jaime wore an oversized wool poncho coat with blue and red stripes on the sleeves. (This looks familiar, but at the moment I can’t recall what other episode she may have worn this in.)

 

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