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Deadly Music

THE BIONIC WOMAN 3x17

SHARK AND SENSIBILITY

This week Jane Austen guest blogs and attempts to make sense of this deep disappointment.

 

 

Oh the pain, the pain... Aside from a few nice scenes with Jaime and some wardrobe treats this week (which I’ll include at the end), this episode was so uninteresting, I actually found myself fast forwarding through some scenes. So I decided to take the week off and just throw Jane Austen into the water to review this one.

 

Blame it on the fabulous miniseries Downton Abbey which is currently airing on PBS. Okay, it’s Georgian era instead of Victorian, but it has put me in a period drama mood, and Deadly Music put me in a bad mood, so I have decided to smash them together in my brain as a new writing assignment and explore what might happen if Jane Austen met Jaime Sommers.

 

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A (reluctant) review

by Jane Austen

of

The Bionic Woman’s Deadly Music

 

January 19, 1812

(With apologies to Ms. Austen, edited Nov. 1, 2015 to update wardrobe.)

 

Dear People of Blonde Locks and Mechanical Limbs,

 

In the opening chapter of what you Americans refer to as a ‘television show,’ Miss Sommers is seen wearing a very peculiar bowl shaped hat and large spectacles, and jumps out of a giant bird flying in the sky. Since the lady attempts to land with nothing but the benefit of a bed sheet to soften her fall, it is little wonder she is injured in this descent.

 

I was struck, however, how this metaphorically resembled a new sister being dropped by a stork into a reputable family, which is how we are instructed to properly explain the act of procreation (and TV series spin-offs) whenever tutoring children.

 

As the story of Miss Sommers’ past continued, I had difficulty ascertaining what was going on at the hospital after her misfortunate fall, where the attending physician appeared to be attaching mechanical limbs to Miss Sommers, and proceeded to insert a tiny sixpence coin into her ear.

 

In my time, all illnesses and injuries were easily cured by the simple act of bloodletting. I’m quite certain this Dr. Wells had no idea what he was doing here, especially since, upon her recovery, Miss Sommers was only able to move in slow motion.

 

Miss Sommers was ten minutes late for her story this evening. In addition to missing a timepiece, the young lady also apparently does not employ a maid or cook, therefore she must prepare her own food, plus that of her companion dog named Max.

 

She had a very lovely cottage on the edge of a country estate called “Ojai” and a horseless carriage that was not a Mercedes Benz.

 

A tall gentleman by the name of Mr. Goldman paid a call on Miss Sommers, but we soon learned it was not entirely a social visit. I found it rather shocking that Miss Sommers did not practice her manners and offer him tea and biscuits before they sat down to converse. This Mr. Goldman, who appears to be some sort of an uncle to the lady, was requesting she travel with him to a sea port to assist his company with some underwater bathing.

 

When they arrived at the ship, Miss Sommers was immediately and unabashedly flirtatious with the ship’s Commander Kimball, a gentleman with whom she had formed a previous attachment, having made his acquaintance at a ball in Washington two years earlier.

 

I have been instructed to coyly refer to him as “Not!Steve 3.6, the Navy Captain Kangaroo,” which I would like to revise to read “Not!ColonelAustin,” since one should never address a gentleman by his first name, especially when we have not yet been properly introduced. (I feel it warrants clarification that Colonel Austin is of no relation to me, Jane Austen, by deviation of a vowel.)

 

Apparently Miss Sommers and Colonel Austin, a man of exceptional, artificial strength and reputation, were once engaged to be married, but their romantic attachment became interrupted when Miss Sommers suffered a series of difficult headaches, which—had they been properly treated with bloodletting—might not have resulted in her loss of all memories associated with their accord.

 

I am, in all honesty, a bit puzzled as to why this incident of unrequited love is not addressed in a more prominent fashion in this story. It bears noting that nearly 200 years after my own death, my bestselling novels that tell timeless tales of romance remain on the NY Times bestseller list, and I continue to enjoy an upsurge in fame and fortune (which I am sadly unable to spend anymore).

 

So if I might be so forward as to address the masters of this television series with regard to why this romance saga between Miss Sommers and Colonel Austin is effectively ignored, I feel I ought to offer a bit of professional advice: You idiots, people love this sh*t.

 

Mr. Goldman soon left the company of Miss Sommers on the naval ship, which meant she was without a proper chaperone during her sea mission with these sailors. Shocking behavior indeed!

 

However, they set about with their plan to place something on the ocean floor for Mr. Goldman, and Miss Sommers thusly retired to change into something more suitable for bathing in the ocean.

 

But oh my goodness! Miss Sommers’ swimming attire was entirely inappropriate for a lady, who should be properly fitted with bloomers for such an occasion! Instead she was adorned in a very form fitting red undergarment with some sort of breathing tank attached to her back. This accessory seemed to be heavy and very tightly strapped, but I suppose it was no more uncomfortable than a laced corset undergarment, which was also glaringly absent from her wardrobe this evening.

 

Whilst swimming, Miss Sommers has an unfortunate run-in with a shark underwater and punches him in the face. I ask, is this the proper conduct of a lady?

 

While I enjoy a good fish stew now and again, it seemed rather forward of her to engage a fish in this manner, especially when in the company of gentlemen who are far better suited for the sport of fishing.

 

It seemed several of the “divers” were unknowingly wearing a special brooch, which appeared to be causing the sharks to pursue them with aggression.  Miss Sommers, indeed a very smart woman, soon ascertained the source of the danger and removed the brooches to be sent back to the jeweler at once for defective workmanship.

 

In the last chapter, when the sharks were all driven off, Miss Sommers (at last wearing a very agreeable gown) and Commander Kimball were seen together taking a turn on the ship’s deck. But once again, without the benefit of a proper chaperone, and I fear her reputation of virtue is now lost completely!

 

But I must acknowledge the Commander was indeed quite handsome in his regiment uniform, and as Miss Sommers was once engaged to Colonel Austin, she appears to have a romantic weakness for officers in military service to the King.

 

Given the title of this story, I was mislead that we did not get to hear any “music” —deadly or otherwise—during the course of this adventure. All I could hear was a dreadful screeching noise. Is this what you Americans call music? I expected we might at least be treated to a few measures on the pianoforte, as I so enjoy this type of social entertainment, especially when it’s the talents of Mr. Darcy’s sister.

 

With grave disappointment, I must observe that your American telly has completely shunned all proper decorum of Victorian society. In addition, if this is an accurate sampling of modern entertainment, the stories in your era move most dreadfully slow. I haven’t been this bored since I took tea one afternoon with Mr. Bingley’s pale, disagreeable sisters.

 

Lastly, I was quite put off by the fact there was no wedding ceremony at the end. How could there be a happy future for a woman unless she is married to a respectable gentleman by a minister from the local parish, with dowries properly settled between families? I’m afraid this American society will never work. You people need a good bloodletting.

 

Except for Miss Sommers. I found her a very pretty and likable woman, even with her mechanical limbs.

 

Yours faithfully,

Miss Jane Austen

 

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FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

 

Behold what saved this episode from sinking completely. A few outfits made a return appearance from an earlier episode, but count them... 5 awesome costume changes!

 

In her first scene, Jaime wore a green velour short outfit with green knee socks and white tennis shoes—almost identical to the purple outfit in Martians.

 

Then when she arrived at the ship, she had on a nice, lavender cowl neck shirt layered with a long purple cable knit sweater, scarf and knit cap. We only got a short glimpse but it looked like she wore dark, bell bottom slacks with this.

 

Later it was the return of her fab Old Navy™ Pea Coat from Escape to Love and Iron Ships, with jeans and an ecru cowl neck sweater. Loved the gray wool hat here, too! For her adventures in Sharknado™ —a red scuba diving wet suit. And then in the final scene,

a repeat of the lovely dress from Escape to Love with a purple flower hair barrette.

 

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