EPISODE REVIEW 1x14

May 26, 1976

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Black

Tonight was the last Bionic Woman show of the season and it was scary! Jaime had to stay at a haunted mansion and babysit a girl who was a witch. She tried to kill Jaime when she saw her kissing her father. I really hope Jaime learned her lesson and won't kiss anybody but Steve from now on.

March 13, 2013

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Blue

Brace yourselves, Blondettes, because tonight is our first Fright Night on the Bionic Woman! Our viewing supplies for such an occasion include several martinis, a string of garlic, a crucifix, a hockey mask, and the BionicWiki—because a bible doesn't appear to have an old testament chapter for handling log exorcisms.

Cute little, then-teen idol Kristy McNichol guest starred in this episode, just about the same time she was beginning her role on the new drama series Family, for which she would later win two Emmys. Until I saw this episode again, I had forgotten how effectively she could turn on the waterworks and channel our collective teen angst. Especially when we totally agreed that Jaime's flirtation with Amanda’s Not!Steve father was unacceptable. I didn't even have to hurl things at the TV to protest this time—she was doing it for us! I heart you, Kristy.

Tales From The Crypt: Tonight's episode begins with a full moon over a dark, foggy cemetery, with gates creaking and mansion doors opening by themselves, a shaking gravestone marker labeled "Elizabeth Putnam Cory," and then invisible disturbances damage a home lab elsewhere. Beakers clatter, and a tool box labeled "Alpha Sensor Phase 1" flies open and an electronic device stored inside it blows up. Of course it does, because aside from a few minor alterations, this is the very same CA-CA prop from The Jailing of Jaime. Have we learned nothing from this worthless government project?!

Suddenly a girl in bed rises from her sleep and screams "Mother!"  (That's kinda what I said, too, only there was another word after that.)  Her father comes rushing into the bedroom and tells Amanda everything's going to be okay. It was just another bad Addams Family dream.

Speaking of Uncle Fester: Oscar’s at Jaime’s apartment to assign her next gig. The Bionic Woman was only 3 minutes late for her horror movie debut tonight. She's packing her little red "assignment travel" suitcase again while Oscar looks on. Okay doesn't this get just a little bit embarrassing whenever she gets to her Fruit of the Loom undergarments? Evidently Jaime's not the least bit modest about these things.

"Ghosts?" Jaime asks. Oscar clarifies it's " some force" that's interfering with a home laboratory OSI Alpha Sensor project and Jaime has to go to Essexville, Massachusetts to investigate what's hampering the research. The scientist's name is Dr. Alan Cory, and Oscar presents Jaime with an alluring 8x10 glossy of the actor.

"Nice looking—is he married?"  Okay stop right there, Miss Sommers, I suggest a standard followup question: "Does he have an ex-wife known to practice witchcraft?" If yes, end interview here and show boss the exit.

Oscar explains the man is a widower— his wife died a year ago, and since then, he's become very temperamental and seclusive. The "townspeople" (with torches and pitchforks?) are upset with the weirdness surrounding this house. But Cory won't say what's really going on—although for some reason he might allow Jaime in the house because he happens to have a daughter in need a "governess."

I love how Jaime raises her eyebrows here with suspicion. "What happened to the old governess?"  Finally. Some decent follow up questions! Oscar divulges she left after the "last incident."  Jaime, dear—this doesn't send up a little red library flag? Have you NEVER read the bestselling, gothic governess tales of Jane Eyre? 

Class, apparently it's time for Bionic Bronte: A nineteenth century literary refresher course on what mysteries are in store for our newly-dubbed Miss Jaime Eyre. (Click letter to enlarge)

Alas, Jaime agrees to take the governess assignment, even when she finds out the macabre historical location, because it sets her up for my favorite line, where Jaime puts her hand on her hip and imitates an old witch:

But Oscar doesn't think Jaime’s bewitched humor is funny because whatever is causing these disturbances is very real and dangerous. O c'mon Oscar, what are you like the third Darrin now? 

Welcome to Essexville, kids! Our establishment shot reveals a quaint little New England town where the clock tower is stuck at 12:00 noon, everybody drives 1950s cars and all the towns-women walk around in pill hats. At last, we finally get to see where the pageant studio audience from Bionic Beauty lives!  I heart stock footage.

Our ill-advised Jaime Eyre pulls into a gated estate in her 21st century Hertz rental carriage—a blue Chevy Nova. The ivy covered mansion is a beautiful old European style, Howard's End-ish crib called "Putnam House," with beds of colorful Spring flowers aligning the walks. But who cares because Jaime steals this picturesque scene in her awesome Ivory pantsuit as she wanders up to ring the bell.

Little Amanda Cory greets her at the front door, wearing a red pantsuit outfit with a clashing purple smiley face pin. (Jaime, your first order of governess business is to tutor this child in wardrobe fashion.) Just inside the foyer, Jaime notices a huge library shelf tipped over on the floor with books everywhere. Amanda's all like yeah that fell over last night. Father said he'd get someone to lift it later. Or, unless the Bionic Woman happens to arrive and feels obligated to become their Downton Abbey housekeeper, too, and remedies this while the girl leaves to beckon the master of the house.

The Omen: Amanda returns with her father Dr. Alan Cory. Unlike his glossy photo, he has all the warmth of a glacier and curtly asks to see her OSI identification badge first, and then when Jaime tries to compliment his beautiful house, he cuts her off and says he doesn't "have time for the niceties of polite conversation."  WTF?  Dude, one of our favorite things is the niceties of Jaime's polite conversation, so back off and let her nicety some more!

He tells Jaime there's some food in the kitchen (gee thanks I’m the house cook now, too?) and says Amanda can show her to her room, so that he can get back to his more important lab work. On the way, Amanda returns a witchcraft history book to a wood paneled living room where there's a museum-sized portrait of her mother, Elizabeth Putnam Cory. Amanda says oh BTW they're descendants of the famous witch Rebecca Putnam who died in a Salem jail. Jaime's intrigued, and since it's not yet available on Kindle, asks if she can check out the book later for midnight reading in her haunted mansion bed chambers. Sure, why not.

Anyway Jaime's reading about the trial while looking at the painting of the judge accusing Rebecca Putnam of causing objects to move about while he sentences her to purgatory in prison. Jaime starts to get the heebie jeebies (a technical term) and then she suddenly hears some clattering outside, so she crawls across the bed to look out the window.

Salems Lot: Some sort of invisible disturbance in the form of a wind sweeps up and tips over a bird bath and some flower pots. Eek! But instead of crawling back under the covers like a normal SANE person, Jaime decides to bionic down from her second story window and follow the invisible "spooks" across an old wooden bridge and into a dark cemetery. Luckily she grabs a lantern hanging on the bridge so she can see where she's going WHILE SHE WILLINGLY EFFING ENTERS THE GATES OF HELL AHHHHHHH!

When touring the pitch dark cemetery, Jaime turns around and suddenly runs into a creeepy guy who's been following her. Jaime screams and asks the man what he's doing here! He says he’s  "seeking information." Jaime demands, "Who are you?" I love how he introduces himself in the rudimentary, shadowy-figure, East German-accented kind of way way. Eeeeeeemmmmmmillll Lassssssssssszloooo. Apparently, on loan from Scooby Doo studios.

The next day after the director finally yelled cut before Jaime's face stuck that way, she got to sit on a sofa in a cool blue patternered casual full length dress, that unfortunately clashed with the couch upholstery. So I had trouble focusing while she was on the phone with Oscar giving him Emil Lasssssssslo's name to run for background information. Buh bye because now she has to get off this contrasting 70s furniture and go to Grandpa Munster’s lab.

Stepford Wives: Jaime opens the lab door and finds Dr. Cory sweeping up broken glass with his wife’s old broom. Miss Sommers asks if she can help. Before he answers, he wants to confirm her OSI security clearance—a "grade six, right?" Yes and she teaches other grades, too.

So he lets her help clean up and reveals the disturbances may have something to do with his dead wife's background in witchcraft and telekinetic abilities. She could always make the needle thingys move on the energy wave machine, and lately they've been squiggling again. Plus she promised to contact him from beyond the grave.

And oh incidentally—plus also a great way to pick up a new date by referencing your awesome ex—did he happen to mention his wife Elizabeth was "an extremely beautiful, STIMULATING woman?" 

Ahahaha. (Did we mix this up with an SNL script from “Two wild and crazy guys!” ?)  Alan suddenly starts gazing at Jaime like he's a sailor on shore leave, and says he's "forgotten what it's like to have an attractive, vital young woman around."  *facepalm*

Followed by my personal fave, "Amanda's other governesses have left a great deal to be desired." 

WTF? Yeah, perhaps because THESE GOVERNESSES WERE HIRED AS EDUCATED PROFESSIONALS TO TUTOR YOUR DAUGHTER, NOT TO SLEEP WITH YOU, YOU CHAUVINISTIC BAS (...beeeeeeep we interrupt this PG program for emergency censorship)....  Oh Jaime. PLEASE. PRETTY PLEASE make your Bionic-Disgust-Face® again!!!

Sigh. Unfortunately Jaime falls for these lonely widower pick up lines and starts flirting back. They decide to go for a picnic that afternoon with Amanda. My mood ring suddenly flies off my finger. I cannot find it anywhere.

So Dr. Alan Cory now becomes the official Not!Steve 1.3, aka "Lab Dad." Hurled at the TV in protest: Eh, never mind. Amanda, who witnesses this nauseating romantic exchange at the door with a sad, droopy dog face, will take care of this nicely for us in the next scene. Heh heh.

Yay picnic at the lake! Jaime's wearing a very cashzy smock-style blouse with a cross stitch folk art pattern, jeans and white tennis shoes. (Who cares what anybody else is wearing.) They've just finished up lunch as Jaime's cleaning up and packing away their dishes and I love how loudly she is clanking them off-camera, while father and daughter are sprawled out on a picnic blanket smiling and chatting.

"Just like old times" CLANK TINK  "Elizabeth loved the lake." BASH CRASH Amanda wants to ride in the canoe with daddy CLINK RATTLE. "Not now, sleepy head" SHATTER THUD you need a nap." Because my new more-favorite vital young woman Jaime and I will ride in the canoe first!  Whatever okay sure and then Amanda's like snoring within minutes.

The Log Ness Monster: So Jaime and Alan are out on the lake paddling the canoe around. He playfully splashes some water on her. "Hey!"  says Jaime. Blah blah about their new friendship and outlook on life but then suddenly the music changes and a large log starts JAWS-ing towards them and rams their canoe. Jaime screams, "Where did that come from? God." She reaches down to nudge it away but recoils her hand back. "That moved!"  Nah, Alan says, it was just the current.

While EeeemiiiiL is spying on them with binoculars from a hill and noticing Amanda’s asleep, the Log Ness monster comes back and torpedoes them again, this time puncturing a hole in their aluminum canoe that Jaime bionic bends to patch. But it comes back and rams them again, this time with a really big hole causing the vessel to begin to sink. Third time’s the charm…this time the log hits the canoe so hard it tips over and they both fall in the lake. Alan is floating facedown in the water, so Jaime has to life guard-rescue him and bionic swim to shore.

The Log Ness monster doesn't give up, and aims at Jaime like a torpedo one last time just as she arrives on the shoreline with Alan, forcing her to bionic high jump to narrowly miss getting tooth-picked. Angry Log Score: 250 points. Just then Amanda wakes up from her dream claiming, "Mother was here." Yeah, and this time she was trying to put the wood whammy on Jaime.  Nooooooooo!

During the commercial, I discovered The Log Ness Monster has a twitter account. Who knew he still floats in the murky waters today?  Follow him if you dare. But careful kids, because he just might "follow" you back. Bwa-hahaha! Glub-glub.

Child Abandoment: A couple scenes later, Alan loads his Phase 1 prop into the car and is about to leave for a 4-5 day trip to MIT to mash his device into their computers. Amanda's all whiny upset about not getting to spend more time with him. So in front of Amanda, he kisses Jaime goodbye and goes out of his way to tell his hot new governess how happy he'll be to spend some more time with her when he returns. Jaime smiles and flirts back. Of course Amanda looks on with jealousy. 

Acid Reflux: That afternoon, Jaime and Amanda are in the lab cleaning up—just as things start psycho-wobbling again, causing a bottle of sulfuric acid to fall off a shelf and shatter on Jaime's foot. Shock! Amanda offers to call the hospital, but Jaime assures her she's okay—while she hurriedly rinses her bionic foot in the lab sink.

Ewww, her stocking has peeled off and it looks like skin. Jaime pretends her foot didn't blister because she thinks her shoe probably took the brunt of it. And then she holds up her acid-burned and deformed dress heel and OMG… *gags* Hel-LO?! How 'bout a graphic warning for the fashion-sensitive out here?!! WHEN am I gonna LEARN I should never try to eat while I watch this show.

Amanda looks over at the needles on the machine and they start squiggling and charting again. She thinks it's mother trying to interfere with daddy's work so he will spend more time with her. Jaime points out, "Amanda that acid fell on ME."  Well then, Amanda thinks maybe mamma's jealous because daddy kissed Jaime. "I don't believe in ghosts," Jaime declares in the midst of all these objects shaking around her. "There's got to be another explanation for this."

Emil Lassszlooo Returns. He rings the doorbell and asks Amanda if her father is home. "No, but Miss Sommers is."  Just then, Jaime walks into the foyer carrying a new pair of mustard-tan colored pumps. Oh dear, not only do they NOT match her outfit, Amanda immediately recognizes them as "mother's shoes!"  Way to bring out the Poltergeist of Prada, Jaime.

Laslo's in the living room admiring Elizabeth's portrait. (Because she’s stimulating, I hear.) He's brought along an autographed copy of his bestselling book entitled "Ghost Hunting" since he saw the Log Ness Monster try to kill them at the lake yesterday. Suddenly a silver tea set starts shaking. Amanda says her mother must be mad because Jaime's wearing her shoes. (Yes, and we all know what witches will do for a pair of shoes.) Fearing for her little dog, too, Jaime finally turns to Laslo and pleads, "If you know what's going on, PLEASE tell me!"

Okay but he wants to speak to Jaime privately, so they go stand by the large BOOKCASE that fell earlier, which suddenly starts to shake and tips over again. Emil pushes Jaime out of the way right before it crashes down on him, pinning him underneath. But have no fear, our trained nurse Jaime can help! She bionic lifts the bookcase whilst ignoring that First Aid rule about never moving a victim with a potential spine injury. She pulls Laslo out and rolls him over. *crack*

They're Heeeere: Just before Laslo passes out he bewares Jaime "It is after you."  What is?  "Polter…..(GASP) geists."   They’ve got to get him to a hospital ASAP, but Amanda says the nearest ambulance is in Salem an hour away. So Jaime asks Amanda to please help her get Laslo in the car—they'll need to drive him to the ER themselves!

Amanda says no can do, because her mother died in that hospital and she refuses to go back, so Jaime's all like sure you can stay here in this AMITYVILLE HORROR movie all by yourself. Really, what could possibly go wrong leaving this little girl home all alone? Except that we may have overlooked one tiny little detail in this plan, Jaime...

IT'S COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

So good luck there, kiddo. No boys over, stay out of the liquor cabinet and I want you in bed by nine young lady!

ER: In the hospital waiting area, Jaime's reading through Laslo's Ghost Hunting book, decides to call Alan, and asks to borrow the phone from a rather pissy desk nurse (perhaps because of that little amateur spine injury oopsie).

Speaking to Alan, Jaime surmises it's not a ghost causing the disturbances, it may be exuding from Amanda because the definition of a Poltergeist (by Laslo's book, not Merriam-Webster) is: "a disquiet and damaging spirit, usually linked to a disturbed child with telekinetic abilities."

Alan says Amanda was tested for telekinesis once, but failed the exam. However, Jaime notes, that was Amanda’s consciousness mind, not her subconscious. She realizes that Amanda was asleep each time, but that lately it's out of control and she's starting to act out her subconscious desires to punish Jaime and her father's work for her feelings of rejection.

Jaime needs to get back to the haunted house right way and wake Amanda up from her damaging dreams! Meanwhile, during this conversation, at home Amanda's been tossing and turning in bed and the needle thingy's been moving again in the lab. There's a storm a-brewin at Putnam House. Kids, grab your popcorn and summon Father Damian, because this calls for a G-Rated Exorcism. Woo-hoo!

Bridging The Gap: Jaime races home in the dark and nearly loses control of her car while Amanda's nightmaring the house, telekinetically turning over lamps and smashing things in the lab. Jaime screeches her car to a halt and gets out to cross the legendary Universal backlot collapsing wooden bridge, which starts to quake and fall apart. Jaime races across it on foot, dodging falling beams, and just before the bridge buckles and crashes to the river below, she bionic jumps to the other side—waving to the hourly Tram Tour as it drives by.

When Jaime finally reaches the house, the front doors mysteriously open themselves to welcome her home. Suddenly the wind stops and it's quiet. "Amanda?" Oops, wrong line apparently. Because the wind begins to stir again, and suddenly a fern flies across the room and nails Jaime.

Things That Go Bump In The Night: As Jaime's running up the stairs, she has to fend off a falling statue and dodge a moving chair, and then just before she reaches Linda Blair's satanic bedroom, a dresser slides in front of it, blocking her entrance. Okay Jaime? Just turn back. NOW. Who in their right mind would enter a scene like this straight from the Exorcist? Amanda's head is SO gonna be on backwards by the time you get there.

But lo, the Bionic Woman is nothing if not courageous.  Jaime pushes open the door and is hit by a massive G-force gust of wind. Woah. (And people wonder why she didn't have curly hair anymore after this season?)  I present to you the Poltergeist EZ Breezy Permanent Hair Straightening Treatment  ---->

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In the bedroom, the curtains are blowing and we have Exorcist-style overhead camera angles of the 4-post bed, where Amanda's asleep but Jaime can't wake her up. A vase flies off the dresser, hits Jaime in the back and knocks her to the floor. "Amanda!" Jaime screams, but still can't wake her up. Jaime jumps onto the bouncy-bed and attempts to shake Amanda awake, but keeps getting clobbered by objects flying across the windy room aimed directly at her. Amanda for God. Sakes. Turn your sleep number down, NOW!!

Bedknobs and Broomsticks: In Amanda's trance she says this is all her mother’s doing to take daddy's work away. Jaime's all like no Amanda, it's you!  Then a radio flies off the desk and hits Jaime in the head and knocks her over on the bed. Ouuuuch! (And darn, no amnesia reversal as a result.) Then she also gets whacked in the back by a big dresser drawer. Amanda, STOP hurting the Bionic Woman!!

Jamie continues to plead, "Amanda wake up, you're doing this. Just like your ancestor, Rebecca, and like your mother. Your subconscious mind is still in control, Amanda. You can stop this! "

Amanda screams back in all-caps,"GET AWAY FROM ME! "  And then the bed suddenly lifts off the floor. OMG she's TOTALLY LINDA BLAIRing on us now.

As the bed continues to shake and the wind blasts through the curtains, Jaime promises Amanda she is not going to take her father away from her. "He wants to be a better father, but honey you've got to give him another chance. You almost killed him in the lake the other day! Do you understand that?! " Amanda cries out, "NO!!" 

Well then. Apparently that sudden realization Amanda could lose her father as a result of her telekinetic tantrums was the magic phrase that made her snap out of it—as opposed to the standard ritual chant "The power of Christ compels you!" 

Amanda has tears streaming down her face while Jaime hugs her and tells her to think about all the good times with her father, and gradually all the ghostly disturbances begin to settle back down.

Back After These Messages: This really is a touching moment here where Jaime rocks Amanda in a very maternal embrace. As the wind begins to calm, so does the loneliness and loss this little girl has been trying so hard to manage all by herself. Kudos to Mr. Johnson and to Ms. Wagner and Ms. McNichol for their performances in this really memorable scene.

This House Is Clean: Yay it's time for Jaime to quit her governess position! Oscar has arrived to pick her up and she and Amanda are holding hands like besties as they walk out of the mansion alongside Father. The hospital says Mr. Laslo is going to be just fine, which is great because that means pretty soon he can start his next job as Fox Mulder.

Dr. Alan Cory says he is going to put off working on the Phase 2 prop so he and Amanda can do some neuropsychiatric research on all her Carrie talents and learn how to control her telekinesis before she goes to the prom. Amanda of course is excited at the prospect of finally spending more time with her father.

Oscar hurries Jaime to their car, "we've got to leave or we won't stand a ‘ghost’ ...of a chance... to catch that airplane." Amanda feels sorry for Oscar’s cheesy line and gives him a thumbs up, "That's the spirit, Mr. Goldman!"  Jaime of course just eyerolls like the rest of us.

Finally Jaime kisses Amanda farewell on the cheek, then turns to Alan and NO NO NO DO NOT DO THIS JAIME, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!  kisses him goodbye on the lips.

*checks skies for Flying Monkeys*

Jeeeez, the Bionic Woman sure likes to live dangerously and test this little witch, doesn't she?  (I gather Jaime at least remembered to return her mother's shoes?)  *this is me doing Jaime’s Bionic-Disgust-Face®*  Nevertheless just as a precaution, let’s all chant  "The power of Christ compels you, the power of Christ compels you..." a few more times on Jaime’s behalf and see if we can help prevent a “Ghosthunter 2” sequel...

Final tally:  Mood Ring: Missing. Perhaps it will fly back into the room in time for the second season. I actually enjoyed this episode much more this time around. (When I wasn’t busy howling from the endless parody material from this genre.)

I immediately noticed the atypical camera angles, which made it visually more interesting than other episodes in the way director Kenneth Johnson shot it—even though at times I found the rainbow-ish “prism” and cloudy camera filters a bit distracting. However, I understood the paranormal activity they were meant to convey. Plus this was retro-fun fun to see Kristy McNichol again.  There was an added bonus of getting Creator/Director Mr. Johnson’s running commentary on the DVD. As usual, I saved that viewing for last after I had finished my review, and will mark this recap with spoilers below.

FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

Five different outfits in The Ghosthunter this week. I totally fell in love with Jaime’s ivory pantsuit, and her full length, short sleeved “house dress” that tied above the waist. The cotton smock-style blouse she wore for the picnic with jeans was cute, too. For exorcist day, she had on a long brown skirt with a rainbow striped top, belted at the waist. Originally with low-heeled brown shoes, then with Mamma’s mustardish-tan ones later. In the end scene, Jaime wore her ivory slacks again, with a long brown tie-dye style blouse and a large gold pendant necklace. The Bionic Woman broke her weekly continuity streak for wearing her enneagram necklace in this episode, but I believe it will surface again in some more episodes again next season.

One of the biggest revelations for me was finding out that Valerie Bertinelli was almost cast for Amanda, instead of McNichol. But when it came down to choosing between the two, it was decided teen Valerie was a bit “too sexy” and they felt Kristy had more of an all-American girl appeal.

The lens effect was from a “holographic filter” they bought at a craft fair. (At least I think that’s how it’s spelled). Kenneth purposely chose the lower camera angles in many of the scenes to give it a spookier, “more menacing” effect. The painting of Elizabeth Cory was created specifically for this episode, and the witch trial painting was a modification of a Salem museum original (they replaced a man on trial with the Putnam female witch/defendant) Kenneth saved this witch trial painting after production and it still hangs on his office wall today. (Well at least he doesn’t wake up to it!)

The Jaws-log was partly manipulated by divers under the lake surface, and also using cables. Most BW episodes would get 6 weeks of production before air time, but this one only had 15 days to complete and needed 2 editors to meet the deadline. They started shooting on May 5th and it aired May 26th. There were several scenes between Lindsay and Bo Brundin (Emil) where they kept cracking up and had trouble getting through the take. (Apparently she found his character accent/delivery entertaining, too!)

They used air rams under the bed to achieve the Exorcist jolting effect, and years later when Kenneth saw Kristy again, she confessed to him that this bed movement really scared her during the shooting.

There’s a lot more really interesting information Mr. Johnson shares, not only about this episode, but also about the BW series in general, so I highly recommend getting the DVDs if you don’t already have them. He also offers wonderful bonus commentary on his original The Bionic Woman  SMDM 2-parter and my fave, Doomsday is Tomorrow.  Be sure to visit Kenneth Johnson’s website, too.