EPISODE REVIEW 3X21

May 6, 1978

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Still Black

I am desperately trying to remember the good ole days when I was able to watch the Bionic Woman save the world every week with dignity. Tonight we had tacos for supper. I wonder what Jaime drank.

Feb. 17, 2012

Dear Señor and Señorita Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Purple

Whatever You Do, Don’t Drink The Water: So yeah. Ai yi yi. I didn’t even have to go back to find Jaime’s migraine face to post here. She had several of them right in this week’s episode. My mood ring quickly went from purple to the color of refried beans. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I am convinced this episode was just another bad dream. You know how I know? Because just like in The Pyramid, it started with Jaime wearing pajamas.

Meeting in Oscar’s office, she had on a lovely, oversized grayish mauve silk blouse with matching baggy slacks. But you can’t fool me, Jaime Sommers. These were your jammies, and you were letting us all know in your subliminal way, that what we were about to see was not real. Let the dream sequence commence....

This Is The Thanks I Get For Showing Up On Time? Oscar must be mad at Jaime. He expects her to go to some cheap, two-bit town known as Hidalgo in the fake South American country of San Rafael, all the while his finger is pointing to Nicaragua on the map. When Jaime asks “why me?” Oscar explains that they have already lost 2 OSI agents he sent there. Okay. So Jaime is the next expendable one on your list?  You’re gonna have to sell this one better, Señor.

Furthermore, Oscar assigns her to work with some loudly-leisure-suited ex con named Petey the Weasel. Apparently he’s tired of dating guys in prison, so to earn an early parole, he pretends to be able to helpfully identify some notorious bad guy named Boylin the OSI is trying to find—a scoundrel allegedly trying to sell some printing plates stolen from the US mint. Of course we all know how devastating this could be to the Federal Reserve, Wall Street hedge fund managers—and most importantly the 1%. How dare some guy try to print a few thousand dollars from his basement?! This is like worse than Doomsday. Jaime, go get him!

Grande Suitcase, But Uno Outfit?  The next scene we see Petey driving an old jeep on the South American backroads with a brunette riding in the front seat. Wait, OMG that’s Jaime. With long brown hair!?  I’m sorry, but this in not a blog devoted to the “Bionic Brunette,” so technically this review could end right now. But I have decided to keep riding along, because we have to help get poor Jaime out of this episode.  And out of this pitiful dress—a wardrobe that Jaime immediately acknowledges is a “ridiculous outfit.”  For the duration of this mission, she has to wear this same ruffled, off-the-shoulder white blouse and traditional spanish full length twirly skirt with black dancing shoes. Yes, dancing shoes, because her undercover occupation tonight is as Petey’s shady ex con girlfriend, a “Spanish dancer.” Whenever Jaime carries her purse basket with this outfit, I begin to suffer flashbacks of Little Red Riding Hood. Shrreeek!  --->

Welcome To The Rancho Ramada: Jaime and Petey register for a room in this rundown, Hidalgo saloon style hotel, crawling with criminals hiding out from the law. Oscar, no more booking on Travelocity. My god, this place didn’t even have wi-fi. While “Meesta Weasel,” as Jaime calls him, goes back down for their luggage, Jaime decides to take a shower to rid herself of this slime, but has to bionically change back into the SAME dreadful clothes again when she spots Petey trying to steal his newfound freedom and run.

Yo, Better Make That A Double: There were a bunch of other scenes where the hotel manager is suspicious of them, they meet a drunk lady at the bar (played by Diane Civita, whose familiarity was explained when I realized she also starred as a police cadet student in last season’s Jaime’s Shield), a couple tweed-suited buyers who show up to purchase the stolen plates, and the crazy One-Eyed dude, who—when he isn’t stabbing invisible flies buzzing around— also moonlights as the saloon bartender. He confuses Jaime’s “me, too” margarita order and makes her two drinks. But Jaime doesn’t complain. Oh no. She carefully balances both drinks upstairs to her room, stopping on the stairway for a moment to listen to some guys talking about her, but when she arrives in the room seconds later, she only has one margarita. Yeah, she totally downed that first one on the way. It was part of her necessary warmup for this next scene. Deep breath, everybody.

Tonight On Dancing With The Stars: Ay carumba. Jaime, I am so, SO, sorry. (Evidently she has something in her contract that requires her to perform bionic burlesque at least once per season. I don’t know why.) But alas, the time has come for Jaime to have to prove to the network cheez and the bad guys she’s a gifted Spanish dancer, so she is forced to prance for them in the saloon—or face a firing squad as a “police spy.” At this point in a panic, (or more likely, too much tequila) Jaime suddenly begins talking to herself, desperately trying to summon the force of Carmen Miranda as her spiritual dancing guide. Hit it, mariachi maestro.

Ole! Just as Jaime so skillfully does with her bionics, she wings it on the close-ups and lets her stunt double take the wide shots. Bravo, we knew she could do it!! Judges score: 8 out of a perfect 10. Did she get extra points for bionic-tap dancing on the bar with smoke rising from her heels? After the commercial, we’ll see how she measured up to the other celebrity gringo dancers tonight. Audience, to vote for Jaime, just text: #Bionic Brunette Bueno!

Back After These Messages: After being spoiled by a few good episodes lately that reminded me why this character and series had truly earned its place in television history, it was kinda disappointing that they had to swing the pendulum back to this shallower level of camp and silliness at the end. Or perhaps it was by design ahead of the news of cancellation, to remind us why they were circling the drain at NBC. It did not take long for me to notice that the writer of Rancho Outcast was also involved in several more of my least favorite episodes this season. While The Bionic Woman’s 3rd season team seemed to be unable to produce a stable of episodes consistent in quality from one week to the next, at least this script writer was consistent in his inability to craft a story that could engage or interest me as a viewer. Sorry Señor Rowe, I’m breaking up with choo.

Meanwhile Back At the Rancho: So Petey manages to recover the treasury printing plates that Oscar needed from (surprise!) Mrs. Boylen (her hubby died), and all the various bad guy characters jump in a jeep and chase Jaime and Petey through town and up into a back alley. As the thugs ascend the hill, Jaime bionics a big wooden water tower and washes them and their jeep away in the flash flood. Woo hoo!  This series has officially been flushed. Thanks for the metaphors!

In the final scene, Jaime is back at Oscars office, wearing a nice, 2-piece lavender outfit, where she presents Petey with his well-earned pardon from jail and—having taught him that his word does indeed mean something to her, no matter his past transgressions—she gets Petey to agree he will stay out of trouble from now on.

Mucho sigh. I just love happy endings.

Now for a little mail catch up: